It was a huge challenge to narrow down the hundreds of annoying things about last night's X Factor to a nice, tight ten. But we did it!
The auditions continued in Chicago and Seattle. We sat through two hours of clips of people with a small amount of talent competing to win five million bucks. And this is just the beginning ... There's about four phases of public shaming that these poor suckers have to endure before not winning.
Anyway ... Let's get down to business and explore ten moments from last night's episode of X Factor that would make even the corniest person alive feel uncomfortable.
10. So, So Long
In order to make a show that should last 45 minutes into an absurdly long two hours, the producers stretched the intro into what felt like an eternity. It had just started and it was already dragging. The endless clips of people sobbing, sucking, singing is a channel changer. Start the show already!
9. Bad Editing and Strange Effects
There is nothing quite as distracting and unbelievable as the exaggerated faces everyone has on that are clearly not reactions appropriate to the situation. X Factor offered hours of this kind of choppy, awkward editing last night. Hours.
8. Contrived Successes
On the show, if someone sucks, they cut them short by turning off the music. Last night, this black country boy Skyelor, super nice, got the treatment after singing for about ten seconds. It could have been a technical error, but it wasn't clear. Needless to say, there is now a half-second clip of the poor guy looking hella confused. Skyelor was like, Fuck this. I'm gonna sing anyway, and everyone ended up so impressed. "I like that," said L.A. Reid. If he'd sucked even a little more, Simon would have gone onstage and pummeled him off.
7. "What Brings You to This Audition?"
The judges did these terrible mini-interviews before each audition began. Simon asked Skyelor, "What brought you here?" He said, "My mom." Then Paula asked the same stupid question and a corny dancing dude Mark who crept his way through "Creep" said, "Money." Ask them what their most traumatic memory is, please! Simon will figure out some way to shame them into therapy. That's good TV.
6. Paula Montage
Seriously, watching clips of Paula Abdul be dumb for five minutes is why the internet was created. This is television. Keep it brief.
5. Cool Guy Josh
This one guy Josh drove seven hours with his mom to sing "At Last" like Joe Cocker. He works at a burrito place and looks like he'd be an awesome drinking buddy. If he shows up in future episodes, they're going to end up making Josh the kind of douche that you and Josh would've mercilessly mocked before he got on the show.
4. What's With All the L.A. Reid-Related Music?
Two people performed songs related to Reid last night and both got pure approval from the judges. Guess ass-kissing's the way to go! The kind of older, gayer "boy band" from Virginia Beach who somehow were in Seattle that day sang "End of the Road," penned by Reid. Reid was singing along, bobbing his head. Then Drew, a 14-year-old-girl-going-on-45-year-old-cougar sang an Adele-inspired "Baby" better than the Biebz. She deserved the vote of approval, the wannabe Boyz II Men did not.
3. That Guy Philip
The overconfident Sinatra singing Philip got onstage in a fedora and called himself a "hipster." Really? We know hipsters, and that, is no hipster. Who calls themselves by this terrible title? His getup would have him shamed out of Silverlake within seconds. What's going on in Seattle? Don't they have internet access?
2. Intra-Judge Dissing
Simon is so mean, Paula's so quirky. Nicole and Simon clearly slept together already and it wasn't that good. Who cares? At one point, some sad slutty girl got up there and Simon said something like, "I bet that's what Nicole was like on her first audition." And then Nicole showed him up all sassy, belting out an impressive "I Will Always Love You." Ohhh, dis. You guys are like 50. Chill the hell out.
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1. Dancing Guy Mark
That guy Mark was dancing like Michael Jackson on dope. We had our face covered in embarrassment for the entire caucasian race when we heard Reid say, "It sounded so bad. But it felt so good." Of course, Mark is now on the show.