Columns

What We Learned About DJ Khaled from the "Hold U Down" Video

It may be Monday, but it's never too early in the work week for a sex anthem.

DJ Khaled is holdin' u down till the weekend with the premiere of his latest video, "Hold U Down," featuring Chris Brown, Jeremih, Future, and August Alsina -- four of the silkiest voices in the modern R&B scene.

The visual is pretty standard in that it's an over-sexed advertisement for Khaled's copious commercial endorsements, but in case you didn't see his ground-breaking mini-movie for "No New Friends," Khaled is kind of a film entrepreneur. He lets us in to another level of his personal life with this six-minute doozy, and while watching, we learned some strange things that can never be unlearned.

Get More:

DJ Khaled, Hold You Down, Music, More Music Videos

He walks around wearing headphones all day

Everyone knows expensive cars have terrible speaker systems. DJ Khaled could probably afford to upgrade his ride, but why would be bother when he has an unlimited supply of We The Best Sound headphones? They're the best portable sound system money can buy. They have to be, or else they couldn't put "best" in the name, right?

He doesn't know what "smart" means

DJ Khaled keeps saying that he likes this girl because she's "smart." If that is in fact not a code word for "you have a giant ass," then he seems to imply that intelligence is directly linked to basically keeping out of the way of business affairs. That's not entirely great from a feminist perspective, but if it gets this girl giant wads of cash, then she maybe she should just keep playing dumb and ride this dude for everything he's got. Maybe that's kind of "genius?" Mm, not really.

He travels with duffle bags full of money

What else is he going to use it for? We all knew he wasn't about to hit the gym and play some basketball, amirite?

He needs his ladies to say his name ad nauseam, too.

DJ Khaled is like a Pokemon, because Pokemon just run around saying their names over and over again. "Foreign" things are trending super hard in hip-hop right now, and it seems Khaled doesn't need a woman who speaks any English, as long as she can say his name on command. We heard a rumor that if you say DJ Khaled's name three times in the mirror, he'll throw a wad of money at you, too.

He has a great sense of irony

He's all like "real life," while dancing inside a green-screen mansion foyer. Now, that's what we call well-timed humor.

Follow Crossfade on Facebook and Twitter @Crossfade_SFL.

Follow Kat Bein on Twitter @KatSaysKill.

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Kat Bein is a freelance writer and has been described as this publication’s "senior millennial correspondent." She has an impressive, if unhealthy, knowledge of all things pop culture.