David Lee Roth isn't so sad and lonely anymore. The 57-year-old "gigolo" has reunited with his Dutch-brothers-from-another-mother -- Eddie and Alex -- and he's gearing up for Van Halen's North American tour, hitting the BankAtlantic Center on April 10. The only problem: It's not 1978.
Shortly after midnight last night, Van Halen debuted the video for "Tattoo," the group's first single off A Different Kind of Truth. Shot on location at the Roxy in Los Angeles, the black-and-white video is a depressing reminder that musicians (a) age terribly and (b) have a real hard time letting go.
Check out our incredibly detailed breakdown of "Tattoo" after the cut.
Roth waves an oversized checkered flag, perhaps a metaphor for the end of Van Halen's relevancy. Well, what was left of it, at least. Or maybe it's a cheap "special effect" for this cutting-edge music video.
After six seconds of this video's strobe effect, we suffered a mild seizure and nearly swallowed our tongue. Not cool, Van Halen.
Who's that kid playing bass? Oh, that's just Eddie's 20-year-old son, AKA Van Halen's new bassist.
David Lee Roth dances foolishly, might as well jump. C'mon, Roth, go ahead and jump.
Roth appears to tease a bull off-stage with his scarf. Must've moonlighted as a matador sometime after leaving the band.
Someone get this man a grass skirt! He's the greatest hula dancer ever!
Strobe-induced seizure, take two.
Things get really awkward here. Roth looks happy to be working. But Eddie looks like he's dying for another drink. Sobriety sucks, as does split-screen overuse.
Get ready for the worst chorus of 2012..."Tattoo, tattoo/Show me your dragon magic/Tattoo, tattoo/So I don't buy your graphic."
David Lee Roth demonstrates his spoken-word skills and impressive flexibility for a 57 year old.
Cameraman seemingly forgets he's shooting. The result: Sideways footage of the group uninterestingly hanging 'round the stage.
Strobe-induced seizure, take three.
This bridge really sucks.
Incredibly frightening closeup of Eddie Van Halen proves long-term drinking is very, very bad.
Sing along y'all, "Tattoo, Tattoo..."
Strobe-induced seizure, take four.
A full 13 seconds of David Lee Roth dance filler!
Check out these 21 seconds of 1980s-esque slow-motion close-ups of the band. And the VMA for unironic special effects go to....
Even though he looks like shit, Eddie Van Halen can still totally shred.
Strobe-induced seizure, take five.
Rock 'n' roll balloons.
We're a great big family ... Can't help but think of how awkward a David Lee Roth-fronted Van Halen video shoot must be. Is everyone really getting along or barely speaking to one another?
If this song/video combo doesn't kill you, this sixth and final strobe-induced seizure just might.
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.