The ravin' and ragin' life isn't all epicness.
Sometimes, stuff sucks. Like "free water!!!" and "free Wi-Fi!!!" Or Yeasayer's Chris Keating talking all kinds of mad shit about Ultra Music Festival 2013's happy, half-naked, supernice party people.
Just check the cut for the five worst moments from weekend one of Ultra 2013.
Free Water and Free Wi-Fi
The human body is 90-percent water at birth. In adulthood, the number decreases to about 70. And when you finally become an geriatric raver, your corporal H20 content will bottom out at 50. Which means that death is literally dehydration. So it was an extremely smart move for Ultra Music Festival to offer "free water!!!" to all UMF fanatics. (Especially considering the blistering Miami weather during the month of March. And, uh, you know, the effects of certain recreational party drugs.) Unfortunately, this "free water!!!" was only available from a small number of poorly equipped stations. Meanwhile, the "free Wi-Fi!!!" also sucked. But at least you can live without Internet access. A three-day UMF H20 shortage could be the sudden end of your raving days. Forever. S. Pajot
Yeasayer's Chris Keating Dissing Every Person at Ultra
We weren't shocked when we saw Yeasayer was playing Ultra, but lead singer Chris Keating seemed pretty surprised when he checked out the crowd at Bayfront Park. "This is more of an electronic kinda music festival, I just realized." Those were his exact first words on the topic during the Brooklyn act's Saturday evening performance. "I've seen a lot of weird shit today," he continued, complaining like a weird old dad about "asses" hanging out of "too short" shorts. All of this in a town known for exposed flesh. And the real kicker, Keating spat with disgust: "This is more florescent green than I've ever seen in my life." At Yeasayer's show next week, maybe he'll call the beach ugly or talk about how the sky is too blue. The "R" in PLUR stands for respect. Our advice to Keating: Get some of that before the second weekend of Ultra, brah. Liz Tracy
"Party With Sluts" Tees and Other Gross Bro Apparel
The crowd at Ultra Music Festival is basically a big bro wave. And almost every male member of this testosterone-soaked mob is wearing a sweaty, sleeveless t-shirt that insults women. From "Party With Sluts" to "Your Vagina Stinks," the ravers with penises at UMF are a skeezy bunch. They're drunk. They're high. They're dumb. They're young. And they've got an entire closet that's packed with tees, trucker hats, and mini-towels emblazoned with the lamest sexist bullshit ever printed upon EDM apparel. Go gross, bro! S. Pajot
Stage Bleed Ruins Meaningful Moments
Maybe seven were too many. Or maybe the UMF organizers misjudged the placement of the stages. But damn, they bled hella hard. If you weren't at the main stage, there was a good chance you could hear two to three stages at any given time, and it kind of killed the mood. It was near impossible to enjoy a quiet, introspective moment at the live stage with the bass from UMF Radio blasting through the ambiance like a knife in your eardrum. (Nicolas Jaar is an amazing performer, and it blows to have wobbly uhntz-uhntz shitting abrasive sounds over his artistry.) The UMF World stage had a lot of great acts, but stand anywhere to the side of the awning and it was beat-mash city. We're sure we saw more than a few heads bobbing along to the wrong beat count, and some mixes were downright lost in the sonic mayhem. Hey, Ultra? How's about we turn it down a few notches next weekend? Just a thought. Kat Bein
Drugs Destroy the Vibe
With somewhere in the range of a quarter million festival-goers over six days, it's no surprise that a minority of attendees managed to smuggle drugs into Ultra Music Festival. The City of Miami police made 84 arrests, some of them for narcotics. But those who managed to evade authorities didn't always get away unscathed. Their bodies could be found slumped unconscious on pavement, grass, and dirt throughout the festival grounds. Many were laid up on EMS stretchers being carted out. We saw more than one young lady pale-faced and glassy-eyed. We also witnessed a pair of mollyheads so gone that they found a medic, but lost the location of the buddy they called him for. These were a miniscule percentage of the massive whole, but an important reminder to party safely. Stay hydrated Ultra, don't over consume anything, and look out for the well-being of your fellow ravers. Jacob Katel
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