Welcome to Ultra land.
The weather is perfect. The kids are nice. There are "No Guns Allowed." But famous lady rapper side-boob is plentiful. So are the naked dancing dudes. And even 70-year-old ravers feel totally at home.
Quite honestly, Ultra Music Festival is paradise, if you're into fist-pumping and free-loving. Just embrace your inner beat freak and check the cut for the five best moments from weekend one of UMF 2013.
The EDM Generation
If you listen too intently to the drug-and-destruction alarmism perpetuated by the squares and the cops and the politicians, it might not seem like it. But just spend a day in Ultra land, mingling with the EDM generation. Just eight to twelve hours. And you will notice that these kids are quite possibly 110-percent friendlier than the average major music festival mob. You're more likely to get a big hug and a smile from a stranger than a hiss and a nasty look -- let alone a fist in the teeth. Even when they're already faded, trying to bum a smoke or some beer money, these PLUR-tastic 20-somethings never forget "please" and "thank you" and "you're awesome." And that's when you refuse to hand over a Marlboro or a buck. S. Pajot
Snoop Debuts "No Guns Allowed"
Far be it from Snoop Dogg to deny his fans the hits. With a fat blunt of Miami's finest krippie lit and a packed amphitheater before him, the rap legend gave the Ultra crowd all his Death Row classics and his biggest Dr. Dre bangers. And as great as they sounded live and intimate, joined by Kurupt, his LBC posse, and the booming voice of Nate Dogg from the afterlife, some of that material is now stale. However, after working the crowd with dancing girls and a giant stuffed dog dick, the end of the set featured a premiere of "No Guns Allowed," an instant reggae classic by the mighty Snoop Lion. "We need to stop killing each other," he said before a basic dub beat dropped and his smoothly sung lyrics washed over the audience. Inside of a minute, the crowd knew the words to the chorus and sang along. Snoop's reincarnation as a preacher of Caribbean soul is as real as it gets.
Azealia Banks's Outfit
Most of the performers at Ultra are DJs wearing like ... Wait, we don't even remember. But this year, Azealia Banks rocked the fashion shit out of UMF. With cutouts and neon, she looked like a sea punk surfer ready to conquer a 1980s wave. Like, real hang ten shit. Her hair was an inspiration. It hung down to her butt, henna-red on top and pitch black on bottom, an ocean of loose curls. And those shoes! Banks brought back the Dr. Martens and painted them neon pink. P.S. Side-boob never looked so cool. Liz Tracy
Naked Dancing Dude at Ultra 2013
Be honest ... For weekend one of Ultra Music Festival, we had seven stages and 55 out of the DJ Mag Top 100 DJs. But we're animals, and we love a good show. So the whole uhntz-uhntz-ing world was overjoyed to discover this video of a naked dude dancing and pulling his wiener while fine, tired members of the Miami Police Department try to corral him. We're not sure exactly what he's on -- acid, molly, a few hours at the Carl Cox arena. But one thing's for sure: he is gonna make love to this beat like no one is watching. (We just hope this guy stays positive about all this sudden infamy. Every serious partier occasionally loses control.) And really, big ups to MPD for not using excessive force. We're always glad when unarmed naked dudes don't get tased.
Septuagenarian Ravers Rule
Did you catch those two perpetually happy gentlemen wearing blue wigs at weekend one of Ultra Music Festival 2013? On Friday, they were sporting matching "Thing 1" and "Thing 2" shirts. And on Sunday, they were rocking colorful tutus held up by bright yellow and blue suspenders. They're the Garrett brothers. At 70 and 62 years old, respectively, Nelson and Fred are undoubtedly the oldest ravers we've ever met. They're also really friggin' adorable.
"I think this [festival] is a little better," the elder Garret admits, comparing it to the Electric Daisy Carnival that he attended last year with his son, who was also at Ultra over the weekend.
Nelson lives in Alaska and Fred is from Maryland. But for the duration of UMF, the two siblings, along with Nelson's wife and son, are staying in Miami and binging on electronic dance music. We asked the Garrett brothers to share their favorite festival moment and their response was genuinely charming.
"The one over there, what was that one we were watching?" Nelson asks Fred. "They're the best!"
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to Miami New Times's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Miami's stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
"Oh, and friends," Fred responds. "Carl and friends."