Yo, bro! The Heat won!
We are them big two-timers, and you know our boys are going to keep their strong up and come back for another title in 2014. How could it be any other way?
But would you believe it? There are still a bunch of haters out there. No doubt, they're hiding their heads away today, choosing instead to bury them in some shame sandbox rather than indulge in the sunshine-y blaze of our glory.
But here in Miami, we are loud and proud, and you can't get away without getting heckled, just a little bit. So we puttin' the Heat haters on blast.
He be all, "I ain't got no worries," but he didn't seem so mellow when he went off on the whole damn team after a courtside scuffle. Remember when Wayne was all "Fuck Lebron, fuck She-Wade, and I fucked Chris Bosh's wife?" Man, what a go-dumb baby. We may be drunker than hell down here, but we don't forget a transgression, and now Drake can't even get into the locker room to celebrate. Lawlz.
This old dude think he better than us. Sure, he's occasionally admitted LeBron, D-Wade, and crew's greatness. But last year, he said our Miami Heat fans aren't real fans. Well, can fake fans carry a team to two wins in a row? Did our pulsating chants of "Let's Go Heat" sound skeptical last night as they rang out after each victorious swoosh? Of course, the frenzy gets bigger as the win comes closer, but it's like that in every city. Don't be singling us out for no reason just 'cause you ain't in it to win it with us. DJ Irie is there in the thick of it, and he said we have some of the best fans around. Na-ni-na-ni-boo-boo, Barkley.
This doucher be like, "a 20-game winning streak is not impressive." Oh damn, we've got a badass over here. We're sorry, but we don't see you and your buddies holding giant golden trophies. Still, Terry, we're not like you. We can admit that your stubborn and unrelenting hatred is quite impressive. There's all this swag in your face, and you can still get them words out of your mouth? That's dedication, that's commitment. We'll do a victory shot of Cîroc in your honor.
That One Dude on Your Facebook Feed Who Won't STFU
Lord, we've all got one or two or five of these guys. It just doesn't make any sense, right? Even they know their gibberish doesn't make any sense! It's kind of fun to watch them spin their intricate web of hater fantasies, though. It's even more fun to see them flip-out when we win, and sometimes even change their tune, albeit in the most begrudging fashion possible. Hate is just misguided admiration. And on behalf of Miami, we accept your sideways apology. Heart you too!
Aww shucks, it sucks to be you. Why don't you just take a page out of LeBron's handbook and come live here? Our parties are top-notch, and we got that champion sound. Plus, beautiful beaches and the butts to match! C'mon, you know you want it.
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.