The 10 People Who Won't Make It in Miami

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Our drivers are literally the worst. They are known the world over for being homicidal maniacs. They are definitely driving too fast while texting and playing loud music. They don't care too much for the dotted white line, let alone a hapless cyclist trapped in the margin between parked cars and full-on traffic. Bike lanes are hardly a real thing. You've got to study up on your back-road map and learn the safe routes. Even then, be on constant lookout for drunk assholes. Cyclists, we love you, but you might be a little insane.

Fair-Weather Fans

The Heat may not have won the championship. And LeBron may have betrayed us. But we still got the hottest team on the block. When you live in Miami, you must love all of our sports teams, even if watching the games makes you cry. It's our job, and true fans love every second of it. If you can't hang when our boys are at their lowest, you can't be sitting here, soaking up the perfect weather when it's raining title trophies.

Las Vegas Carpetbaggers

You've found success running a club or restaurant in Las Vegas. You figure Miami is just like Vegas. Miami loves dance music, flashy shit, and money, right? Nah. Just because you know how to cater to one trashy, tourist-ridden money pit doesn't mean you have the key to success in ours. We've got a whole 'nother culture out here, and we're stickin' to the big guns we know. No new friends.

See also: Eight Signs You're Not VIP

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Kat Bein is a freelance writer and has been described as this publication’s "senior millennial correspondent." She has an impressive, if unhealthy, knowledge of all things pop culture.