Lists

The 10 People Who Won't Make It in Miami

Page 3 of 4

Homophobes

This is the beach that gay built. You've seen The Bird Cage, right? It's real. Everyone here is a little gay or at least likes to gesture with their hands while they're speaking. Maybe SoBe isn't as gay as it used to be, but we've still got the hottest, sassiest, and weirdest drag queens in the nation. (Fuck off, NYC!) Even our lesbian scene is thriving with its own big-time, showy parties. If the sight of a gay-pride parade makes you want to paint a sign and demonstrate, don't bother -- you already lost.

Vegans

So, um, the thing is everything we eat here has pork in it. Or at least it's gonna have some fish. Or maybe we're just having a barbecue and we literally brought nothing but steak and chorizo. It's OK -- you can have some caesar salad. What do you mean caesar dressing isn't vegan? This is just too complicated. How are you not starving? If you are truly committed to the vegan lifestyle, get ready to cook for yourself almost constantly. Do not even get us started on gluten.

Ignorant-Ass White People

You. Are. done. You're done. You won't be able to speak or relate to anybody here, not unless you're willing to have a mind-opening experience akin to a lobotomy. We are a culture accepting of all kinds from all over the world. But if you speak only "American," this just isn't going to work out.

See also: Ten Worst Raver Cliches

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Kat Bein is a freelance writer and has been described as this publication’s "senior millennial correspondent." She has an impressive, if unhealthy, knowledge of all things pop culture.