The 10 People Who Won't Make It in Miami

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Ever notice how nonexistent the goth scene is in Miami? We don't have many fancy cemeteries in which to frolic. It's hot as hell, like 24/7/365, which makes it very difficult to wear long sleeves in the summer so you don't catch a tan. Also, goth music is essentially the polar opposite of Latin music of any kind. The closest thing you get to a goth night is hipster postpunk dance time or semiannual fetish parties. So your options are settle, move away, or get over it.

Women Without Asses

Oh, sweetie, if you hit the streets in this town lookin' flat in the back, prepare to be eaten alive. You'll go home from the club not with someone sexy, but with a parting basket of self-doubt and body-image issues. Miamians are living in Nicki Minaj's "Anaconda" video. This city sits atop J.Lo's enormous behind. If you don't get out of here quick, you'll wake up in six months with a rock the size of a bowling ball in each butt cheek and some dude named Javier talkin' about "I'll tell you how you can pay me back."

See also: Six Reasons to Never Have Sex With a DJ

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Kat Bein is a freelance writer and has been described as this publication’s "senior millennial correspondent." She has an impressive, if unhealthy, knowledge of all things pop culture.