It's usually weird when actors spit rhymes, but it's even weirder when you find out the sparkly vampire hunk from Twilight wants to be a rapper named "Big Tub."
That's the truth Robert Pattinson revealed on the couch with Seth Meyers on Late Night. The poor kid was self-conscious about his weight (that's not a problem anymore, honey), and he used to record his songs with hoodie zipper effects in lieu of actual record scratching.
That is probably the cutest and saddest thing we've ever heard, but it got us thinking about all the other cute and sad celebrity rap
careers failures through the years. Let's reminisce together.
See Also: Ten Softest Rappers in the Game
Everyone loves Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, right? Mark Whalberg was incredibly ripped at this point in his life. This is what happens when you let Vanilla Ice top the charts. "C'mon c'mon / feel it feel it." Silly white boys. As long as their shirts are off, who cares what they sound like?
Joaquin Phoenix is basically a genius. His bizarre retirement from acting and subsequent terrible rap career was all part of an amazing performance art piece that culminated in the film I'm Still Here, and if you haven't seen it, we highly recommend you give it a watch. That's method acting to a whole new level, and here's the bearded mess performing at our very-own LIV Nightclub like a real homeless monster. He even fights some douche in the crowd! Love it.
Kobe Bryant and Tyra Banks
Hey guys! It's a bad rapper BOGO special! Supermodel Tyra Banks has always fancied herself some kind of rapper, and basketball heavyweight Kobe Bryant is only following in the footsteps of many shitty rappers before him. In this song, the pair team up to flop horribly. Obviously, neither of these rap career took off, but at least they've got successful day jobs.
Without a doubt, Shaq is the ultimate basketball rapper. He knows he's got skills, he doesn't need you to buy his album to calm his nerves. No one will ever forget that time he hopped on the mic and asked Kobe how his ass tastes. They say beefin' is dead, but that was some Grade-A Wagyu (or should we say Kobe? Lawls).
These days, Miley Cyrus rapping isn't that much of a shock, but did you realize she got her start back in the Hannah Montana days? Apparently, she wasn't lying about having always been into this type of music. This video is evidence of ancient times when Cyrus had long hair and didn't shove her vagina in everyone's face. Unfortunately for her, the rap is really sickening. Let's never let this be forgotten again.
"I'm a celebrity," are you sure about that, Mr. Pratt? We hardly know who this guy is. Apparently, he was marginally famous for appearing on MTV reality television shows The Hills and I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!. He and his wife Heidi Montag also competed on the British Celebrity Bog Brother. It's insane that people make careers out of this. His rap is quite terrible, but they do seem like nice kids in love, so let them have their fun.
You don't see James Franco here in the video, but that is definitely him spitting. The lyrics are reportedly written by Florida-rapper Dangeruss though, the inspiration for Franco's character Alien in the insane not-what-you-expected Harmony Korine flick Spring Breakers. That is, if you buy that Alien wasn't based on Riff Raff, which appears very likely. Franco can at least keep the beat pretty well, don't you think? We don't expect he'll pursue the career further.
Clearly, the Hogans have no shame. They had that ridiculous television show, the son is some kind of DJ or something, the daughter was a singer or dancer or whatever, and daddy Hulk had a really sad rap song in the mid-'90s. His band was called the Wrestling Boot Band, and that's Jimmy Hart, pro wrestling manager, singing the background hook. Obviously, this didn't take off, and beaches have been safe ever since.
Natalie Portman and Lonely Island
Duh, everyone's favorite celebrity-turned-rapper is Natalie Portman. The Lonely Island boys got the seemingly squeaky-clean screen babe to talk dirty and go bananas on SNL. It was one of the most memorable skits they've done, besides the totally-rad "Dick in a Box," and "On a Boat," and everything else. Portman can definitely go hard in the paint, but again, we don't believe an album is forthcoming.
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Will Ferrell and John C. Reily
Alright. There's no joke here. This is just amazing. We're not really sure why this is the first time we're seeing this, but it certainly won't be the last. If only Will and John would start their own Lonely Island project. We could listen to this shit all day.
Follow Kat Bein on Twitter @KatSaysKill.