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Ten Things You Don't Need for Camping with Juggalos

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10. Food

This is a festival, which can only mean one thing: port-a-johns galore. All the crapboxes you've ever wanted to see in your wildest dreams. Defecating in public is intimidating enough for many of us, and in this particular situation, it would probably be best to just not eat for a few days. The toilets here are all strangely lopsided and feel like they're moving when you're in them. The outsides are covered in spray paint and the insides of them are either covered in mud or poop. When the rains come--and boy, do they--one can't help thinking, while wandering the grounds that the entire earth beneath our feet is actually just human waste.

9. Bug Spray

This seems to fly in the face of conventional logic, we know, but other than this weird lump that spontaneously appeared on the back left side of my neck (which could be some sort of inaugural "backne"), there is no evidence that insect life is capable of existing at the Gathering of the Juggalos. Even with sugary Faygo soda sticking to every surface, the noxious environment leaves confusingly few bugs to be found.

8. Skinny Jeans

Interaction 1: "Hey faggot, where did you get them skinny jeans? C'mon, tell me where you got them skinny jeans! Hey, where are you going, skinny jeans?"

Interaction 2: "Yeah, I knew you guys were press when I saw you wearing those black jeans."

Interaction 3: "I usually wear skinny jeans, but I actually went out and bought these baggy pants when I realized I was coming here."

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Drew Ailes
Contact: Drew Ailes