The mainstream rap game is servin' up so many soft rappers, we should stop calling them MCs and start calling them TCBYs.
Have you listened to the hip-hop charts lately? It's like a damn 16-year-old girl's mix tape in this mess. Someone must have let the dogs out, because all we see in the streets is bitches.
Now, that's not to say the music is all bad. We kind of like some of this soft shit. But this is hip-hop, and softies are always trying to act like they're harder than they really are. It's time to keep it real and call these spades hoes or whatever.
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This one is a no-brainer, so we may as well get it out of the way ... Remember when he started the softest beef of all time by making fun of Jay Z for liking fondue? Did you see those awesome GIFs of Drake using his lint roller at the Toronto Raptors playoff game? How cute is Drizzy when he makes that giant, goofy smile? The cutest! The truth is no one ever tried to say Drake was hard, and we love everything about his frozen-yogurt ass.
Will Smith's kid is the new Bow Wow, but worse. Have you ever checked this kid's Twitter feed? It's like if Chicken Soup for the Soul were written for people who just took their first bong rip. You see Jaden in pictures, and he's always trying to act like he's so hard, posing with Justin Bieber, when he's clearly fighting a low IQ and/or an addiction to status. Granted, he's 15, and we're really glad Twitter wasn't around when we were 15. But we wouldn't be talkin' about no happy trees.
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When "212" came out, we thought Azealia Banks was really cool. Then we kept hearing her talk shit about other people on Twitter, and we realized she's the worst person who's ever been famous for 15 minutes. This girl's got the biggest mouth in the game, but the other day, when T.I. actually threw some shots back at her for talkin' bad about his wife, she immediately threatened him with a lawsuit and tweeted a deluge of ridiculous bitch rants. She's le worst.
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Dude hopped on a track with Miley Cyrus, and all he does is talk about smoking weed and partying with college kids. That shit is not hood. You are a pop star masquerading as a rapper. Sometimes, you bring the heat. But really, we know you're a family man making good on Kanye's sloppy seconds and looking to buy as many weird clothes as possible. It's all gravy, baby. We still ride with you. Just know you're soft.
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Just because you have a bunch of unfortunate neck tattoos, it doesn't mean your ass ain't no Pretty Ricky. This is a real R&B divo trying to play himself off as a rapper. All his songs are about making bitches happy: "Show Me," "Main Chick," "Iz U Down." Dude has a song called "Sunset," and that's the softest title for a rap song that we've ever heard of in our life.
This bombshell started off hard, and we know she can rap, but she went pop even faster than Nicki Minaj. Every damn song she puts out is some get-the-girls-to-buy-shots dance anthem via Steve Aoki's workshop. Her biggest hits to date are something with Arianna Grande and a song about expensive clothes. We like to dance too. But if Tupac is your idol, you might want to let the party bullshit go for a minute and get back to saying something worth hearing.
Yes, he is Based God, and he is a master chef, but he's also the queen of all the hokey-pokey dance rappers doing their ignant thing and making bad music on purpose. We can appreciate the absurdity, but there's nothing softer than naming your album I'm Gay and denying that you're actually gay. Coming out of the closet would be some really hard shit, actually. But to fake it is obscenely bizarre.
This white boy from Houston is a walking joke. He was upstaged during his own set at Ultra Music Festival by Far East Movement. He needs giant cutouts of Katy Perry's face to make his show seem interesting, and he whored himself out to MTV, literally tattooing the cable network's logo on his body, just for the chance to be on TV. He has his moments, like this joint with Slim Thug and Paul Wall, but we've yet to see a good Riff Raff show. We think y'all should go back to the Wackmart and return all that hype you bought.
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We were surprised to hear this guy was still making music. But it turns out that he's gunning for summer dominance with a few new weird tracks. Let's go ahead and say Soulja Boy is even softer than Lil B, because at least Lil B is the original woo-woo ridic rapper. Although, deep down, some weird part of us loves Soulja. He's so stupid, it's almost endearing. That time he put Supa Hot Fire down was the jam, no lie.
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Hahaha. Remember when this was a thing? Yeah. Too bad she didn't write her one good song. Kind of messes up the whole "career" thing when you don't have any skills. Sometimes, she still shows up in the background of some dance song or other. Anyway, who's next?
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Follow Kat Bein on Twitter @KatSaysKill.