The MTV Video Music Awards are a sham.
Every year, the network interrupts its regularly scheduled scraping-the-barrel reality television programming to pretend that there are people over at MTV who actually listen to music.
To soften the blow of turning its focus away from pregnant teens and piss-drunk guidos (and onto models who have people write songs for them to lip synch), the VMAs dutifully honor the art of representing music at its most visual. And with a maximum number of titties in every frame.
See the cut for Crossfade's ten reasons the VMAs are a big bunch of bullshit.
10. Katy Perry Is Nominated in Nine Categories
While we prefer Katy Perry's knowingly slutty winks and "Oops!" face to the bland, blonde Midwesternized pop queens from the Golden Age of TRL, we're still skeptical about Katy winning any award for Best Art Direction, even if she maybe manages to out-Gaga Gaga.
9. VMA Viewers Don't Know Tyler the Creator
Odd Future's crossover to the mainstream has inched that much further with Tyler's nomination for "Yonkers." But if you ask the straight media world, like NewsTimes.com, the average MTV-er is left scratching their head, which shouldn't surprise us. But it still provokes a WTF?
8. Bruno Mars. Period.
7. The VMAs Should Be In Miami, Not Los Angeles
The last time Miami hosted the VMAs, Shaq's big ugly mug was still draped over the American Airlines Arena. Just imagine ... LeBron could co-host with Russel Brand and the camera will periodically cut to Pat Riley wringing his hands in a dark corner.
6. MTV's Obsession With Its Own Legacy of Crappy Award Shows
Long before the internet cataloged everything from bowel movements to seven zillion vanity shots, MTV was stitching together a quilt of every last fart from the last 26 years of VMAs. They do this every year, adding footage from the year before as they go. We feel like we've seen Madonna roll around onstage in a wedding dress more times than we've been to actual weddings.
5. Lady GaGa Fans
4. Lil Wayne Might Perform "How To Love"
The 2011 VMAs will be another stop on Lil Wayne's post-incarceration reassertion of greatness. We're pretty sure he'll perform his bangin' "6 Foot 7 Foot" single, which is nominated for Best Hip-Hop Video. But we're a little nervous the medley is going to open with "How To Love," which is decidedly not bangin'.
3. The Glee Connection
MTV blog Hollywood Crush was titillated to find the following connection between this year's VMAs and pop-culture stain Glee: Four 2011 nominees have had songs performed on the Fox show. Conclusion: Music is not good.
2. The Clandestine Organization Behind the Disappearance of Jesse Camp Will Go Unchallenged for Another Year
We aren't getting our hopes up. But maybe this will finally be the year someone rushes the mic and demands to know what happened to late '90s VJ Jesse Camp and ask if he still talks like that.
10. MTV Is Pretending It Still Plays Music Videos
Whenever we turn that shit on, all we see is reruns of True Life.