Once again, it's that time of year when America gets wasted in the name of the defeat of the French in the Battle of Puebla. Whatever.
Tequila rules, the city is on fire, and we don't need no water, let the motherfucker burn.
¡Viva Miami! Here are the ten best Cinco De Mayo 2012 parties.
10. El Gato Tuerto Liquor Stores in Little Havana
- All day, all night
Have you noticed how many taco shops there are in Cubaville these days? Or how you can get an eagle and cactus baseball hat at almost any gas station? The Mexican-American community in the City of Miami has grown tremendously in the past few years. So if you wanna see how they party on their own holiday, drink a couple of beers outside the liquor store, and enjoy the action.
9. Mucho Tequila Party at Cafeina, 9pm-7am, no cover
The holy trinity of tequila, tacos, and music come together at this Wynwood oasis for their third anniversary Cinco party. Latin Grammy nominated DJ/producer Mr. Pauer, known for cumbia mashups will probably break out some chilango and norteño surprises for this one. There will also be hot chicks with tequila pistols shooting liquor into people's mouths.
8. First Annual Brickell Cinco De Mayo Fest at El Vato Field, noon-midnight, free
Mini-wrestlers: short, and kick ass. Mariachis: funny suits, drink your liquor, steal your lady, sing about it. Mechanical bulls: Angry carnival worker, flying drunks. Margaritas: Breakfast or dinner, Mexican kool aid. Mexican bites: short story, crabs in Tijuana. Party in a field, puke in the grass, eat more tacos.
7. Cinco de WALL Party - 11p.m. Reserve bottles, door discretion
A Mexican party for your local multinational Narcotrafficker surrounded by expensive liquors, models, and the most expensive friends money can buy.
6. Cupcake Burlesque Party at L.A. Boudoir 8pm, free
There's no Mexican theme, but it's free, and there's sexy, half-naked dancing chicks, live music by Summer Vacation, and the bar across the street, UVA 69, is offering half-off drinks.
Because, why not beat drums in a circle in the Grove, and then head to Jaguar, a ceviche restaurant owned by real Mexicans.
4. Askultura's Ska-Cha-Cha Punko De Mayo Festival at Churchill's Pub. 9pm. $5
Free black and white bean tacos -- plus some of the best bands in the city: Askultura, To Be Hated, The Sheffield Crew, Vice City Rockers, Mindyou, Don Matta, Rasklz, and DJ Rudeboi Shuffle.
3. Cinco de Drinko Hot Peppa Palooza at Tobacco Road, 7pm-2am, $5
There's a $250 hot pepper eating contest. Do it! And lots of beer, food, and drinks, Plus, here are a few of the bands that are playing: Amazing Grace, The Holy Terrors, Forget the Name, The Goods, Rat B@stard, Sturgis Nikides, Diane Ward, Low Society, Paul Roub, Charlie Pickett, Joni Rasp & Jim Baumann, Stephen Gibb, As One, Omine, Brian Franklin, Bobby Macintyre & Dennis Britt, and Thick & Rich.
2. Cinco de Mayo Reventon at The Stage, 9pm, $5
Bachaco and special guests Araka are two of the 305's most party-starting bands, and "reventón" is slang for a huge fucking party.
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1. Miami New Times presents The Annual Cinco de Bougie's Block Party at Bougainvillea's Old Florida Tavern, 4pm-5am, FREE
There will be nine bars at this outdoor fiesta. Repeat, there will be nine bars for all your drinking needs. Also, look out for Corona Beach, beer specials, Mexican photo booths, a live donkey show, free Avion tequila shots from 7 till 9 p.m., free mustache party favors, Papa's Tapas Gourmet Food Truck, DJ Mikee D in the living room, and live music by Miami hip-hoppers ArtOfficial along with Austin's Bright Light Social Hour. Oh yeah, the party starts at 4, goes till 5 in the morning, and it's FREE!