So the Super Bowl turned 47. And as we all know, the Baltimore Ravens beat the San Francisco 49ers in a surprisingly hectic second-half, Beyonce reunited with her Destiny's Child homies, and the game stopped for a full 34 minutes when half of the stadium's the power mysteriously went out.
But that's only part of the big-game experience. After all, we Americans are so well-trained to love marketing that most of the country actually gets hysterically excited about Super Bowl commercials.
Not all those ads are good, though. And in case you missed 'em, here are the six shittiest musical Super Bowl commercials.
Flaming Lips Sell Their Souls For Hyundai
Yeah, we like the Flaming Lips. They're always a psychedelic good time. And we'll even admit that this does look like a superfun day with dad. But we can't really ever get over the soulless hackery that is commercialism. They're just manipulating your emotions so you'll buy cars. We hope the Flaming Lips enjoy their demon money.
Spanish Fun. Taco Bell Old People WTF?
Taco Bell is busy pushing this new lifestyle brand wherein they embrace the idea that party kids get drunk and eat Taco Bell, without pointing out that these party kids immediately regret it for the remainder of their night and into the next morning. This commercial gets some chuckles. But the funniest thing is definitely listening to the translators try to fit all these Spanish syllables into the Fun. melody. "Esta noche, nosotros somos jovenes."
We Know Crying Cat Girl, But Who is That Jamaican?
Alright ... So you used to be a reggae legend. And you're doing Partridge Family songs with a bunch of washed-up YouTube stars. No, they're not washed up, because they were never really famous. But you, Mr. Jimmy Cliff? You were somebody. Now you're just that Jamaican guy in the weird, viral cash-in Volkswagen commercial. This is more the kind of thing we expect from Snoop Lion.
Stevie Wonder Didn't Know What He Was Doing, Right?
It's only weird if it doesn't work. Or if no one on Planet Earth even gets what the fuck the point is. Stevie Wonder is some kind of witch doctor? He casts voodoo spells? Except he's actually a cheat and full of shit? What? None of this makes any sense at all. And how it has anything to do with beer, we're still not sure. They just wanted to play "Superstitious," which we get, because it's a great song. But seriously, this is the worst, most confusing dumb-ass commercial we've ever seen. Good thing Mr. Wonder won't ever have to.
Psy Is Dead, Pistachios Killed Him
Psy had a really big year in 2012, but it looks like his fun train is now officially a steaming pile of garbage. We heard he was retiring his "Gangnam Style" hit in hopes of recapturing the attention of American audiences with another catchy jingle. But then he went and sold himself to pistachios, and changed the "Gangnam" lyrics in a really sloppy, unimaginative way, and ushered in his complete demise. We don't want to eat green nuts or ever hear that song again. One-hit wonder status ... Achieved.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to Miami New Times's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Miami's stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
To Coca-Cola, Thanks for Nothing! Drag Queens
But honestly, the most disappointing and offensive commercial in the whole Super Bowl XLVII shebang was Coca-Cola's trite, interactive spot featuring four groups of desert warriors clamoring for the cola beverage prize. And why was it offensive? Because Coke clearly referenced the ever-fabulous Priscilla Queen of the Desert, but left out the most important part -- the penis.
A bunch of flashy showgirls in a big pink bus? C'mon, Coke. We know it's the Super Bowl and all of middle America is watching. But how are you going to strip the gay/drag community of what is totally their thing? You couldn't have just thrown, like, one or two in the back for good measure? Way to not be progressive at all. Maybe next year.