Some people become famous because they are incredible talents discovered at a young age. Others become famous because their parents treat the womb like a star factory.
Hey, if you push enough kids into the spotlight, one of them is gonna have a hit. But when one kid becomes a world-famous celebrity, the rest feel left out.
No worries! If you have enough money, your less-worthy sibling can have a year or two of being "on the list" at really cool parties. And for that shining moment, they don't need anyone to hold their hand.
See also: Ten Drug-Addicted Pop Stars
Bet you didn't even know the dude with the shitty haircut from this emo-dance abomination was Miley Cyrus' older brother. We used to hear this song about three times a day back in 2008 when we worked at Forever 21. It was hell on Earth as we forked over skinny jeans that "weren't skinny enough" to girls with daddy's credit card, all the while unable to drown out the hyper-sexualized earworm that is this chorus. Good thing Metro Station broke up in 2010. We'd take Cyrus' purposefully marketable rap over this gushy Disney rock any day.
Jamie Lynn Spears
Remember Britney's adorable baby sister? She's all grown up now. She's still trying to make music. And yes, she's gone country, y'all. Actually, her new single has more than 4 million views on YouTube, so the shtick seems to (sorta) working. It's like watching Brit if she dropped the fake British accent, anorexia, and insatiable need to be hip with the young crowd. But really, Britney's bread and butter is the gays, and little miss Jamie Lynn is not going to have most rainbow flag-flying clubs bumpin' 'n' grindin' to "How Could I Want More," so it seems the original Spears empire is safe.
See also: Britney Spears: Why It's Time to Retire
Gawd, Ashlee Simpson is fucking god-awful. She was supposed to be Jessica's less ignorant, more mysterious bad-girl lil' sis. But she was just a fake from start to finish. Her mall-punk getup earned some MTV airtime, but she fucked herself pretty hard with that Saturday Night Live lip-syncing disaster -- which was, in our critical opinion, her greatest hit. By some incredible lack of self-respect, this monster is still recording and releasing albums. Thankfully, no one cares.
You know, it would be easy to talk smack about Aaron Carter, little brother of Backstreet Boys heartthrob Nick Carter, but we're going to go ahead and say Aaron Carter is hilariously brilliant. Dude, he beat Shaquille O'Neal at his own game. You can't be just any jabroni to beat Shaq. He also had a song on the first Pokemon movie soundtrack, and that's freakin' boss. His hair is so '00s. Them frosted tips? Dreamy. That matching jacket and jeans combo? We literally can't even ...
See also: Top Ten Boy Bands Ever
Some siblings' recording careers are so ill-fated, they can only be launched with a duet. Poor Haylie needed her sister Hilary at her side to make the charts, and their cover of the Go-Go's "Our Lips Are Sealed" actually got a lot of radio play. But again, how can a song that's already hit not hit again? There are more crutches at work here than at a hospital. Obviously, Haylie's music career tanked, but she seems to have found her own voice in the culinary world as a semi-successful food blogger. See Haylie? You do better when you get out of your sister's shadow.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to Miami New Times's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Miami's stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
Just uuuugggghhhh ... Look, if it's not Mean Girls, and it stars a Lohan, we don't even want to know. It's some kind of black magic that this girl got a music video in the first place. She released another song that's not holiday themed, and it's actually more sonically offensive than this pile of snowman doo-doo. There isn't enough auto-tune in Santa's magic bag to fix this mess. This family gets coal forever.
Crossfade's Top Blogs
Follow Kat Bein on Twitter @KatSaysKill.