Did you know EDM is a big moneymaker? Nothing sells better than sex, drugs, and uhntz uhntz. And now, thanks to modern technology, you don't even have to be a respectable, talented DJ to cash in on the molly moola express.
Corporations are dying to sign contracts with these party professionals. No need to be a champion turntablist or a hit machine, you just have to appeal to the right audience -- the ones with the money -- and, if you're a woman, be devastatingly attractive.
Oh, and have no qualms about accepting thousands in return for tricking the world into spending money on shit they really don't ever need -- ever.
Avicii and Ralph Lauren Denim & Supply
Avicii takes the prep-poop clothing line to new le7els of douchery with his special line of denim products. The shooting-star Swede said the combination was a perfect fit because, "I express myself through my music and what I wear. Most days you can find me in jeans and a flannel shirt," which usually implies blue-collar working-class hero, but today it's more like millionaire mogul cashing out. We have to admit, it's classier than Ed Hardy, but we still find it depressing. Especially because you can't even wear this high-priced shit and get into the kind of club Avicii plays.
Tiesto and Guess NytLyf Collection
Tiesto is understood to be the highest-paid DJ in the business. That means he doesn't have enough already, so he signed on to be the face of Guess's NytLyf collection, "uniting fashion and music like never before," except also like every other fashion-music mash-up we've ever seen. Remember that time you felt so free and open listening to Just Be? Now you can have that feeling every time you look down at your blingy watch and realize you're trapped in a marketing bubble that's told you who you are and how to feel since birth. PLUR!
Pauly D REMIX Pregame Cocktails
This one is almost unfair. Everything about Pauly D has always been monkey-marketing butt-boy by the numbers, but he just keeps going! It must be working, because he just released a new line of surely sugary vodka coolers, made an exclusive debut during South Beach Food and Wine Festival. If you want to drink and feel as shitty as Pauly D sounds, you shoulda got on that, bro. Otherwise, keep closing your eyes and praying for T-shirt time to finally come to an end.
Nervo and Cover Girl
Resale Concert Tickets
But if every DJ wants to be a model, it stands that every model wants to be a DJ. That's the deal with these severely gorgeous Australian model-turned-DJ Mag top 100 hacks. They've cleverly used their sexuality to make a name for themselves in a game that seems to strategically ignore talented women who aren't ready to disrespect their whole gender. Being a girl DJ is, like, about makeup and stuff. Woo, girl power! Who wants to bet these girls still get paid less than their male counterparts? We're sure we'll remember their names in ten years.
Swedish House Mafia and Absolut Vodka Greyhound
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Usually when a music video comes with a warning, it's because what you're about to watch is so mind-blowingly edgy and culturally sensitive, it might change your life forever. But this one is just about how kids under 21 love progressive house and so might be tempted to illegally drink themselves into a pukey stupor. Also, this is the music video for the hit song, which is the name of the vodka brand being promoted. We also appreciate the absurdity of vodka being some kind of performance enhancer. One last-ditch effort to cash in on a movement. Kudos, guys.
Steve Aoki and Trident
All right, want to read the funniest thing we've read all day? In an interview with Billboard, EDM gimmick king Steve Aoki talked about a recent endorsement deal with Trident gum. He said, "I'm not writing commercial dance music, so the way fans of mine find out about my music isn't through the radio but through alternative sources... This commercial is another way for people watching TV to hear my music." To translate, Aoki said that commercialism is alternative and that his cake-throwing, champagne-spraying, Will.i.am-collaborating ass wasn't a "commercial" entity. Right. Whatever. Ugh.