What 46-year-old man do the ladies want to just reach out and fondle? Who sings the dirtiest, freakiest things with a voice sweeter than sugar and smooth as molasses? What American icon can be caught in scandal, time and time again, yet still sell 38.5 million records?
There's only one man with the dichotomous sexual flair to pull off an offensive pee-pee video and a string of number ones. That man is Robert Sylvester Kelly, popularly known as R. Kelly, or sometimes just Kells.
This man is coming to make your bed squeal in the sultry night air. Or at the very least, he'll inspire some bed-squeaking with his live performance at the James L. Knight Center on Thursday, October 17.
But we figured you could use a heads up about what kind of kinky ish might go down. So here are R. Kelly's six most NSFW moments.
See also: R. Kelly Stole Miami's "Black Panties," Wrote Song About "Sweatin' Like a Motherf@#%er"
Secretly Married to Underage Aaliyah
"Age Ain't Nothing But a Number" ain't just another song. The title track from 15-year-old Aaliyah's debut album was written and produced by the then-27-year-old Kelly. Meanwhile, the collaborators were going all the way to the courthouse and signing unlawful marriage certificates, upon which Aaliyah falsely claimed to be 18.
All These Album Titles
Black Panties? Sensual. 12 Play? Three times the foreplay, we imagine. Chocolate Factory? We don't even wanna know what's going on up in R. Kelly's bedroom, y'all.
See also: R. Kelly on New Album, Black Panties: "I Wanted to Do an Album for the Strip Club"
He Might Pee On You
Oh, that's right, the freakiest stuff imaginable happens in an R. Kelly bedroom. Who can forget the time he was caught on tape rolling face on MDMA, urinating on yet another underage temptress? Sure, Dave Chappelle turned it into one of the funniest things on television, but it's so very unsettling.
He Wants to Lick Your "Cookie"
The new lead single from Kelly's 12th studio album, the nominally sexual Black Panties, is all about how great Kels is at licking girls' -- well, if you know, you know. "You wonder how I'm the best and can do all this with my mouth?" Cookie monster, indeed. Oreos will never be the same.
He Might Get Trapped in Your Closet
In case you missed the over-the-top, 22-part hip-hopera hysterics that your boy got himself into in 2005 and 2007, let's just say it involves some bad writing, a midget, a lot of angry dudes with pistols, and more twists than M. Night Shyamalan in a whirlpool. And because what the world needed was more stupid crap to ignore on the Internet, Kells wrote and produced chapters 23 through 33 chapters of the damn thing, and released them in 2012.
Go Ahead, Just Grab Him
It turns out, R. Kelly doesn't seem to mind if you female fans get a little touchy-feely. And why should he? This guy doesn't seem to be turned off by damn near anything. A video from a recent performance in Vegas shows what happens when the singer storms the front row and croons "feel me." This woman (or women?) grab a thick handful of Kell-meat, and he doesn't seem to mind in the slightest. It's good to be R. Kelly.
R. Kelly. With comedian JJ Williamson. Thursday, October 17. James L. Knight Center, 400 SE Second Ave., Miami. The show starts at 8 p.m. and tickets cost $59 to $133.75 plus fees via ticketmaster.com. Call 305-416-5978 or visit jlkc.com.
R. Kelly's Official Concert Afterparty. With DJs Stevie J., Iron Lyon, and Affect. Thursday, October 17. Story, 136 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. The show starts at 11 p.m. and tickets cost $30 to $60 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Call 305-538-2424 or visit storymiami.com.
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