Welcome to the Magic City, an amazing land of endless titties, 100-foot brass poles, full friction, free buffets, and VIP champagne rooms that (almost) never close.
That's right ... We're spending New Year's Eve at the strip club. So grab those crumpled dollar bills stashed under the mattress. Break out a fresh bottle of Binaca. And check out Crossfade's six best NYE 2012 strip club parties.
There's even an awesome gay option.
NYE at KOD. Friday, December 30, 10 p.m., and Saturday, December 31, 8 p.m., King of Diamonds, 17800 NE 5th Ave., North Miami Beach; 305-999-9500; kingofdiamondmiami.com. Tickets for Friday cost $25 to $40 via eventbrite.com and admission for Saturday is free till midnight. Ages 21 and up. Live like the King of Diamonds this New Year's Eve and ride a raging bronze stallion (or a big brown booty) straight into 2012. On Friday, Ace Hood's gonna be buying bottles, stealing lap dances, and hosting The Finale, KOD's "last party of the year!" Well, except for Saturday when y'all call ball for free with a kingly cup of gratis champagne and over 100 strippers slippin' down the pole at midnight.
Celebrate 2012 with Swinging Richards. Saturday, December 31,7 p.m., Swinging Richards, 17450 Biscayne Blvd., North Miami Beach; 954-357-2532; florida.swingingrichards.com. Cover costs $20. Ages 21 and up. If you couldn't tell from the funny name, this is a gay strip joint full of "all-male, all-nude, all-night" dancers swinging their Richards for tips. Go celebrate the coming of 2012 with 15-minute VIP rooms, a champagne toast, and non-stop ball drops.
Bass & Boobies. Hosted by Zip Per, Robert Perez, and Brian Gallant with Rob E, Merlyn, Mas Inc, Gor-D, Robotic, and Bebe. Saturday, December 31, 9 p.m., Pink Pony, 7971 NW 33rd St., Doral; 305-513-3780. Cover costs $10 to $15. Ages 21 and up. There's no better way to pop your bottle in honor of 2012 than watching a bunch of beautiful boobies (and presumably booties) bounce to brutal, 169-BPM bass. Oh, there's gonna be free bubbly and a midnight balloon drop too.
Diggin' for Gold. Saturday, December 31, 8 p.m., Goldrush, 29 NE 11th St., Miami; 305-358-9848. Cover costs $10 to $20. Ages 21 and up. If you got dumped in 2011, here's the plan: Burn your wedding album, trade that gold band for cash, and head straight for Downtown Miami's "official divorce party headquarters," the Goldrush Gentleman's Club. We asked the young lady who answered the phone whether there'd be special NYE party favors, midnight champagne shots, or whatever. She just said, "Yeah, all that stuff."
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Neon New Year's Eve at Tootsie's. Saturday, December 31, noon, Tootsie's Cabaret, 150 NW 183rd St., 305-651-5822; tootsiescabaret.com. Ages 21 and up. Stuffed with clashing stage sets including a Tootsie's Theatre and a freaking Greek Palace, this 74,000-square-foot nudie cabaret is the perfect place to celebrate a neon NYE in the VIP by popping your biggest bottle of spumante while getting a lap dance inside Tootsie's Transit Car, "a scaled replica of a New York subway" train.
Clippin' Coupons at Club Madonna. Saturday, December 31, 6 p.m., Club Madonna, 1527 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-534-2000; clubmadonna.com. Ages 21 and up. When your girlfriend said, "Plan something special for New Year's Eve," she obviously meant a couple's trip to Club Madonna, "the hottest club on South Beach" where "ladies are welcome." Make this NYE superspecial by clipping out two-for-one lap dance coupons from clubmadonnna.com.
Happy 2012, VIPs.