Metal Cruise of Heaviness Pre-Apocalyptic Party at Grand Central January 22

Planning to attend the Metal Cruise of Heaviness Pre-Apocalyptic Party?

Well, it has already been anecdotally established that there's a shitload of medical dangers associated with habitual headbanging — e.g., massive migraines, unholy whiplash, brutal back spasms, slurred speech, and brain bleeds, not to mention chronic gnarliness. But just to get extra-scientific on the subject, New Times would like to direct your attention to a research study published by the British Medical Journal, titled "Head and Neck Injury Risks in Heavy Metal: Head Bangers Stuck Between Rock and a Hard Bass."

In late 2008, University of New South Wales associate professor Andrew McIntosh and his trusty research assistant Declan Patton set out "to investigate the risks of mild traumatic brain injury and neck injury associated with head banging, a popular dance form accompanying heavy metal music." The ultimate conclusion: "To minimise the risk of head and neck injury, head bangers should decrease their range of head and neck motion, head bang to slower tempo songs by replacing heavy metal with adult oriented rock, only head bang to every second beat, or use personal protective equipment."

We, however, would like to add another warning: Do not headbang at sea! When performed on dry land, it's dangerous enough. But insist on banging your head aboard a cruise ship and you can add vomiting on the buffet, stumbling overboard, and drowning in the hot tub to the list of serious health risks.

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S. Pajot