| Lists |

Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" and Four More Dance-Pop Remakes That Will Make You Puke

Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

Dance remakes of pop hits are the bane of civilization.

It's bad enough that we have to put up with an endless supply of shitty Top 40 originals, mashups, and remixed remixes by the likes of David Guetta and the Black Eyed Peas. But do we also have to endure cheesy big-room club remakes that somehow manage to be even lamer than the originals? Apparently, the answer is yes, because these aural abominations just keep piling up like so many Lady Gaga fashion disasters.

Anyway, we'll cut the rant short. Just make the jump for Crossfade's five worst dance-pop remakes of all time.

5. Enrique Iglesias's "Hero"

The real hero we need is one that will save music from the sort of

industry that gives talentless, insipid mama's boys like Iglesias

access to the airwaves. Four-to-the-floor beat or not, this was one of

the most barf-inducing releases of the last decade.

4. Bryan Adams's "Heaven"

Although the original is probably the best jam to karaoke-sing in the middle of an alcoholic blackout, this remake is an epic 130-BPM pukefest of brash syrupy synth riffs and awful trance buildups.

3. Alphaville's "Forever Young"

OK, sue us. We actually kind of like this one. Guilty pleasure? 

2. Bon Jovi's "Living On A Prayer"

Holy shit, no comment. There are no drugs in the world that could make us get down to this happy hardcore horrorshow.

1. Lady Gaga's "Poker Face"

As if the original wasn't nauseating enough, here we have an anthemic trance rendition that conjures nightmare visions of a thousand sweaty, blown-out guidos fist-pumping the night away.

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.