Kat Stacks's Top Ten Twitter Tips for Hoing Like a Total Pro

Every ho's gotta have a hero. Even Miami's current reigning queen of ass, Kat Stacks, looks up to someone. (Catch Kat at Dream tonight.) And if you've been monitoring her Twitter feed lately -- but really why would you, unless you want your brain to melt? -- perhaps you've noticed Ms. Stacks quoting liberally from Lil Kim's compendium of street knowledge.

September 22 at 9:17 p.m.: "Go 'head tell 'em why you mad, cause you broke & you sad & aint nobody tryna fuck you. - Lil Kim"

Indeed ... Point is, Stacks herself is some skank-in-waiting's Lil Kim. And she's teaching a graduate course in "How to Ho Like a Pro" via Twitter. Welcome to the 21st century, people.

10. "H.A.T.E.R.S = H.aving A.nger T.owards E.veryone R.eaching S.uccess"

Turning a loaded word into an acronym is a very useful teaching tool. Here Professor Stacks employs this pedagogic trick to illustrate envy for all her little ones. First lesson, ladies, is you gonna get hated on. But don't sweat the flatass, chicken-necks! Them bitches just be jealous! Really, it's all about self-esteem.

9. "Think twice before cheating o_O http://tinyurl.com/2v58sem"

Another basic tenet: Every aspiring ho needs to realize that she's not invincible. In addition to STDs and stalkers, there are other dangers. Like pissing off your main man. (See the above TinyURL. Holy shit, right?) Say or do some dumb shit and you might get a knife in your implant.

8. "I never cheat on a man I love unless it's for revenge"

Yes, this one (somewhat) contradicts the lesson learned above. But not really 'cause Professor Stacks never said, "Don't cheat!" You gotta listen closer, little ho. She said, Think twice. There are plenty of good reasons for creeping around behind your man's back, like revenge (duh), money, drugs, food, fun, Ferraris, hair extensions, jewelry, diamonds, new boobs, boredom, etc.

7. "I never yell a niggas name who's fucking me, that's why they will never catch me slippin' hehe :)"

No matter how much you don't want to cheat, it's gonna happen. (See http://tinyurl.com/2v58sem.) So, since double-dealing (and sometimes triple- or quadruple-dealing) is an inevitable hazard of the ho game, every smart, self-possessed female's gotta stay sharp and control her emotions. Protect yourself with preemptive strategies like "never yell a niggas name who's fucking me." Instead, use generic terms such as "daddy," "baby," or, for that matter, "nigga."

6. "You will never catch me at the Gym"

When a young ho starts juggling a bunch of big commitments (multiple midnight booty calls from major-label recording artists, paid-in-advance megaclub appearances, her very own celebrity line of vaginal douches, etc.), life gets real hard. The key to easing your hoing load: Time fucking management. And that means no goddamn workouts, girl.

5. "I never thought of day I needed to go to the Gym SMH , fuck it I'll just pay for Lypo haha"

Building on Lesson 6, Professor Stacks again highlights her point that a ho's time is very, very, very valuable. Literally, it means cash money! Why waste hours and days and weeks on a treadmill, trying to melt away your fatness? Just get that shit sucked out. It'll save you tons of time (if not dollars), leaving you with plenty of precious minutes for the real business of hoing yourself out.

4. "I hate seing girls with no ass take thong pics as their Icon , stop fucking the wrong dick & get some booty shots !"

This could be the harshest lesson a wannabe will ever learn. But it's fact: Not every baby female is born to be a ho. The true game girls are a psychologically cunning, physically gifted elite. So maybe you've completed more than half your Professor Stacks study package? Unfortunately, that don't mean shit. If you ain't got ass, you ain't no ho.

(Note: In this case, "ass" is a metaphor for the je ne sais quoi that makes a girl special. Meanwhile, "fucking the wrong dick" refers to being controlled by your own deep-seated insecurities. And "booty shots" mean, uh, booty shots (or plastic surgery procedures), which are a reliable way to get some je ne sais quoi and quick-fix your insecurities.)

3. "#HeDontReallyLikeYou if he keeps his pants or shirt on during sex"

Once you've firmly established that you were bred for life as a high-performance ho (or gotten the necessary booty shots), then it's time to learn how to read a man's mind. You'll need to pick up on subtle social cues so you can bleed your marks for every dollar bill they got. (Ex. If a trick doesn't strip buck-naked, he's planning a quick exit. Plus, it's harder to pickpocket someone when they're still wearing the pants.)

More of Professor Stacks's clues that "#HeDontReallyLikeYou": (1) "all he does is text instead of call"; (2) "[he] don't ask you to fuck while giving him head"; and (3) "he don't kiss you during sex."

2. "People you meet through the Media are not your friend, its just a fake friendship. Thats why I stick to street niggas"

Girls, remember that you came from the streets. Rich, famous people -- both men and women -- are fine, but they will never love you. Use these priviledged and pampered punks for business connections, major profit, and their time-shares in Fiji. But never let those backstabbing bitches into your heart. Straight up, hos belong with roughnecks. But even more so, hardcore hos don't even need love.

1. "Dont call me all day & ask me where Im at if you dont pay none of my bills"

This is the final and ultimate lesson, separating the black-belt ninja hos from the dummy crackhead hos: You are an independent lady. You are a strong, smart businesswoman full of dreams and potential. And don't nobody own you ... Unless they prepay with $100 bills.

Kat Stacks hosts F.U.B.A.R.* Friday, September 24. Dream, , Miami Beach. Doors open at 10 p.m. and tickets cost $20 via wantickets.com. Call 305-674-4444 or visit dreammia.com.

*Anybody else find it hilarious that Kat Stacks is hosting a party called "Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition"?

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.