Kanye West and Kim Kardashian Raising Baby in Miami?! Seven Predictions

Fiscal Cliff? Boring. But celebrity baby announcements? Now that's what we call news.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are having a baby! Last night, the 35-year-old rapper channeled his inner Ricky Ricardo, dedicating part of his Atlantic City concert to his "Perfect Bitch" and her childbearing hips.

"Stop the music for a second. Stop the music," West demanded. "Can we make some noise for my baby mama right quick?"

Wooo! But Crossfade would also like to take this opportunity to predict Kimye Jr.'s upbringing in Miami-Dade County.

After all, the power couple has been in the market for a $10 million mansion since October.

See also:

-Kanye West Calls Kim Kardashian "Perfect Bitch," Plus Five Other Adorable Rap Pet Names

-Kanye West, Kim Kardashian, Hulk Hogan on South Beach: A Six-Photo Recap

-Kanye West and Kim Kardashian Moving Into $10-Million Miami Mansion!?

Infancy: Jr Showers in Violetas

If you've been in Miami long enough to meet a Cuban baby, you know full well that they smell like the finest perfume not-a-lot-of-money can buy.

Popular amongst everyone, Corlys' Violetas is the liquid gold standard of nostalgia, a scented stamp-of-approval that reminds everyone, this baby's from Miami.

Age Three: Jr. Learns to Swim... In the Everglades

Sure, it's dangerous. There're a ton of alligators and a bunch of invasive pythons ready to swallow a child whole. But the Everglades are disappearing.

If Yeezy and Kim want to teach their child about the environment, there're few better places than the 'Glades.

Age Seven: Slaughters a Pig with Family for Noche Buena

Nothing screams "Holiday Spirit" louder than a 60-pound pig in Hialeah squealing in misery. And every little boy and girl, regardless of what they celebrate, should experience it at least once.

Yeah, there's a chance Jr. may never eat meat again or find the appeal of bacon everything. But so what? At least he'll always have that memory of Mom and Dad going "cray" on that swine.

Age 13: Jr. Attacks a Photog

At 13, Kimye's offspring will likely start rebelling. It's only natural.

For Crossfade, it was a fire in our middle school bathroom. Damn you, toilet paper! But for Yeezy's kid, it'll probably be something along the lines of assaulting a paparazzo. They say that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Age 13 ½: Jr. Hugs a Photog

What's better than assaulting a freelance photographer? Making up with one, of course.

Kanye'll be a great dad!

Age 16: Jr. Buys a Fake ID

When in Rome, do as the Romans. When in Miami, lie about your age and charge bottles of Grey Goose to your parent's credit card.

Age 18: Jr. Refuses to Blow, License Suspended for a Year

Too bad, right? Wrong. Famous people are free to do whatever they want. And even if Jr has no real talent, he'll still be famous; it's in his Karashian blood.

So, Jr., throw caution to the wind and always remember to go "H.A.M."

Follow Crossfade on Facebook and Twitter @Crossfade_SFL.

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Victor Gonzalez
Contact: Victor Gonzalez