Wassup, you eager Bieber beavers!
So, like, the other day, we here at Crossfade were just kickin, it, struttin' down the sidewalk, listenin' to "Baby" on repeat, and singin' along in the hope of perfecting our imitation of the Justin's signature castrato vocal range.
We were gonna punk some fast food places and maybe take a trip to Supercuts to get our bangs trimmed. But then some smiling Jews For Jesus guy totally ruined our whole freakin' day with a flyer titled "Leave It to Bieber" about how the Biebz isn't as cool as Christ.
4. The Son of God's Got Better Hair
The Jews For Jesus peeps' big burn against Justin is "Leave it to Bieber to have awesome hair." They also claim, "We don't know much about [Jesus's] hair." But, uh, have you guys, like, seen the movie version of Jesus Christ Superstar? The Son of God's got a pretty badass 'do himself! Our theory: Like Christ, the Biebz requires no personal hairstylist, fancy product, or whatever. He was just born blessed, and his headgrowth miraculously cuts and styles itself while he sleeps.
3. Bieber Is Greedy
Dude ...If you listened long enough to these Jesus freaks and their raving bullcrap about "Leave it to Bieber to seek fame and fortune," you'd almost forget that their beloved Y'shua was the subject (and co-author?) of a little book called The Bible, which consistently outsells everything on Earth. We're talking, like, 100 million copies every freaking year! So ... Now who's the fame whore?
2. Bieber Is Greedy
Maybe all this Bieber bashing's got us feeling superedgy or whatever. But WTF's with "Leave it to Y'shua to share his success with you"? We're pretty sure if Justin ever invited us to his home studio for a Bro Over (that's a sleepover with bros, duh), he'd share all kinds of stuff. Like, you know, unlimited Sunny D, Fruit Roll-Ups of every flavor, and a whole freezerful of microwaveable personal pan pizza. He'd probably even let us ride his Segway! Does the Son of God even own a two-wheeled, self-balancing electric vehicle? Didn't think so.
1. The Biebz Won't Forgive You
Apparently, Y'shua is all about forgiving. He does it every day, all day. He never stops. He'll even hook you up with some of that forgiveness for, like, forever. And the Jews For Jesus insist that "no money, media, or pop star can give you that."
But based on Crossfade's personal experience, Justin Bieber is a pretty gracious guy. He can't wash away your sins or whatever. (That sounds like magic. And we don't believe in magic.) But we got superpissed one time and called him a "lesbian," "an androgynous boy wonder," and "an immaculately coiffed cartoon chipmunk."
It looked like the friendship was over. But, like, a minute later, the Biebz was all, "Don't worry about it, bro. It's cool. We're totally good. Stuff happens. Like, you know."
Check out the complete original Jews For Jesus vs. Justin Bieber broadsides below. Download hi-res copies from jewsforjesus.org.