J. Lo is freaking out.
She's 43 years old, she just dumped her hubby, and she's existing in the post-Will.i.am./Lil Jon electro-pop explosion. We've all seen what this has done to Madonna. And now the Latin songstress is "Goin' In" on her own sad grasp for relevancy.
From slick dancers to near-nudity, the super-buff Flo Rida, and oh-so-many shiny things, Lopez's new video for a song off the soundtrack to that shitty Step Up sequel is a sloppy trainwreck of attention-getting gimmicks.
Just see the cut for Crossfade's extremely detailed breakdown of J. Lo's midlife crisis on video.
0:00 - 0:14
The video starts innocently enough, with J. Lo's luscious lips all bedazzled in rhinestones. She blows a wish on a magic flower. We imagine it's something like, "Oh, please let this song be an obnoxiously far-reaching hit that no one will be able to escape this summer."
0:15 - 0:44
WTF, wolves? Well, lupine creatures are a clear sign of a mid-life crisis. No one has wolf friends in real life. Meanwhile, J. Lo blurts out some terrible Black Eyed Peas-esque bullshit about "tonight is the best night ever, I'm totally happy with my life, this song doesn't totally suck." Then we get to see Jenny trying on all her looks, from rich street hoodlum to rich stage dancer. Some people are rioting in a ship yard, but no one knows why.
0:45 - 0:58
Cue the most pre-packaged, freeze-dried, just-add-water electro drop possible.
0:59 - 1:28
J. Lo shows off the biggest ass of the pre-Minaj era. She engages in some terrible wordplay, like, "Tonight we go orangutan, bananas." Then comes the bridge, where she takes a page out of David Byrne's handbook and stops making sense. "She on her crazy/He on his crazy." These are not complete thoughts.
1:29 - 1:58
As if that bridge didn't suck enough, here it is again. Lil Jon makes a cameo between shots of Lopez viciously trying to show how young she looks after all these years. Her backup dancers look like they have plastic faces too. Oh, and J Lo gets ready to go in on this shitty drop again.
1:59 - 2:27
The video starts to look like a mish-mash of other people's videos. Why are there dudes in suits on an escalator? Oh, it's OK, now they're in front of lights. That's how they tie it in. J. Lo keeps singing nonsensical stuff about partying and having fun, as if she understands the hashtag generation at all.
All hail the most epic duckface in history. Also, that jacket is so ice-cold, it's on fire. J. Lo is all, "Look at how youthful I look! I'm pretty, right?!"
2:45 - 3:14
Alright, this is the best part. It's just a bunch of random colors and people and things. Ready? Dancers crashing through colored glass. Gangsta-leaning hydraulics car. Paint-covered snare heads. People in bad traffic, getting ready to dance. Rioting shipyard dance-off. Lil Jon. Rinse and repeat, over and over. Wait ... IS THAT FLO RIDA?!
3:14 - 3:43
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It is! Because no throw-away, electro-pop summer jam is complete without Mr. Rida's sexual flow. This song is officially a hit. Damn, J. Lo knows what the kids want.
3:44 - 4:09
Once more we get a seizure-inducing variety of colorful images. J. Lo goes in on the chorus real quick, and then it's suddenly over. She has an emergency meeting with her therapist, and so do we.