In all seriousness, the festivities will go on with or without you, so get your mopey ass out of bed and don your best red, white, and blue apparel. Even a city full of immigrants like Miami has plenty of reason to celebrate, because no matter where we come from or who we love or what religion we practice, we are all Americans — and even Donald Trump can't take that away.
Get ready to honor America's 241st birthday all weekend through Tuesday, because Miami just doesn't know when to quit. Here are the ten best Fourth of July parties happening in the Magic City.
11 p.m. Friday, June 30, at Story, 136 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-479-4426; storymiami.com. Tickets cost $40 via tixr.com.
Will there be cake? With Steve Aoki, you never really know. But expect to kick off the weekend with plenty of bangers and probably some champagne showers. The Dim Mak head honcho DJ'ed at Story last month, but Fourth of July weekend is bringing him right back. His new releases for Ultra Records, "Without U" and "Night Call," feature a who's who of hip-hop, so cross your fingers that 2 Chainz or Migos stop by.
7 p.m. Saturday, July 1, at Electric Pickle, 2826 N. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-456-5613; electricpicklemiami.com. Tickets cost $10 to $20 via residentadvisor.net.
Local party promoter Un_Mute is celebrating the first anniversary of local label Sports Records. Headlining the bash is the Parisian trio Mandar, along with Taylor Shockley. Mandar recently released its self-titled debut album. Filled with tech house and minimal gems and spanning five LPs, the collection seems exhaustive, but for the most part, it offers one track per side. Get ahold of it — we highly recommend it.
9 p.m. Saturday, July 1, at Gramps, 176 NW 24th St., Miami; 305-699-2669; gramps.com. Admission is free.
The sludge rockers of Cavity have reunited just in time for America's 241st birthday. The band has been a part of Miami's music scene since 1992 and endured myriad lineup changes. In January, Cavity released After Death, its first album in 16 years. Catch the band, along with Other Body and Prison Warder, for free at Gramps this Saturday.
10 p.m. Saturday, July 1, at E11even, 29 NE 11th St., Miami; 305-829-2911; 11miami.com. Tickets cost $75 to $100 via tixr.com.
Partying in Miami can sometimes resemble the lyrics of Future's "Mask Off." "Percocets, molly, Percocets," he raps, along with other drug references. But if you are going to catch him at E11even during Irie Weekend, you better be on your best behavior, because the club's security probably won't tolerate that level of wild partying outside of a rap song.
11 p.m. Saturday, July 1, at LIV, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-4680; livnightclub.com. Tickets cost $75 via tixr.com.
Have you heard? LIV is closing — not permanently, just for the summer while it gets nipped and tucked. This is the last weekend you can party at the venue that changed Miami Beach's nightlife scene when it debuted ten years ago. LIV is celebrating all week with performances by Lil Yachty and Slushii, plus an Irie Weekend bash hosted by Kevin Hart this Sunday. But dance music is king at this club, so your best bet is to see Kaskade give the old LIV a proper sendoff Saturday.
11 p.m. Saturday, July 1, at Heart, 50 NE 11th St., Miami; 305-912-3099; heartnightclub.com. Tickets cost $20 to $40 via heartnightclub.com.
The Colombian-American DJ will once again rule 11th Street. DJ'ing since the early '90s, Morillo has enjoyed a consistent career that most producers should be envious of. He recently released "Gone" on Subliminal with Chris Child and Junolarc and featuring Ora Solar. The tech-house cut is a slow burner with beats that seem straight out of the '90s.
Noon Monday, July 3, at Historic Virginia Key Beach Park, 4020 Virginia Beach Dr., Key Biscayne; 305-960-4600; virginiakeybeachpark.net. Tickets cost $55 to $5,000 at eventbrite.com.
Walshy Fire, Bunji Garlin, Ape Drum, Brenmar, Ryan Sayeed, Sliink, and others are all on the lineup for the inaugural festival. Electric Karnival promises to fuse dance music and Caribbean sounds, which isn't a far-fetched concept because a couple of years ago dancehall was whitewashed and rebranded "tropical house." People might be amazed to find out Justin Bieber's "Sorry" didn't invent Caribbean riddim.
11 p.m. Monday, July 3, at Space, 34 NE 11th St., Miami; 786-357-6456; clubspace.com. Tickets cost $10 to $25 via ticketfly.com.
Looking to welcome the Fourth of July at sunrise? Space has you covered when Sasha (of Sasha & Digweed) takes over the Terrace. He recently released a single on Kompakt, "Out of Time," featuring synthpop band Poliça. Like everything Sasha touches, it's dance-floor gold, with a deep groove that is sure to fill a cavernous venue like Space.
Noon Tuesday, July 4, at the Kimpton Surfcomber Hotel, 1717 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-532-7715; surfcomber.com. Tickets cost $45 to $180 via wantickets.com.
A plethora of pool parties will take place Tuesday, but if you can go to only one, it might as well be the original. Now in its 13th year, IndepenDance has perfected the pairing of the patriotic spirit and heavy beats. This year, the bash, helmed by Emi Guerra and Luis Diaz, will see the Martinez Brothers and Loco Dice headline at the Kimpton Surfcomber.
4 p.m. Tuesday, July 4, at the Standard, 40 Island Ave., Miami Beach; 305-673-1717; standardhotels.com. Admission is free with RSVP at bbqjuly4.splashthat.com.
South Beach parties are notoriously hype affairs — except for the Standard, which keeps things pretty chill even if there's a DJ spinning. The boutique hotel will celebrate the Fourth with a set by Studio 54 resident DJ Nicky Siano. The party will end at 9 p.m., but if you want to hang out and watch the fireworks light up the bay, the Standard will keep the bar open a little later than usual.