Does your wardrobe consist of parachute pants, shoulder pads, fingerless gloves, and huge earrings?
Is your record collection dominated by bands like Flock of Seagulls, the Smiths, the Cure, Pet Shop Boys, the Psychedelic Furs, New Order, Run-D.M.C., Kool Moe Dee, Big Daddy Kane, and Boogie Down Productions, just to name a few?
After watching John Hughes' The Breakfast Club, do you find yourself still questioning whether you're the brain, the athlete, the basket case, the princess, or the criminal?
Here are Crossfade's five signs you might be stuck in the '80s.
You Buy VHS and Believe in the Virtues of the Cassette
Do you find yourself visiting Blockbuster and asking the clerk if he or she has any VHS tapes? Do you go to the local record store with the intention of getting some cassettes for your car that still has a cassette deck? Do you still go to Blockbuster and the local record store? Then you might be stuck in the '80s.
See also: Five Signs You Might Be a Shitty DJ
You Know All the Dialogue from Every John Hughes Movie
Are you a huge John Hughes fan? If so, what's your favorite movie? Is it The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, or Pretty in Pink? Do you know every word from these movies? Is a poster of Molly Ringwald still taped to the inside of your closet door? Do you fancy yourself a Bender or an Andrew or a Richard? Do you and your significant other spend every birthday, sitting cross-legged, staring at each other with a cake in between you? Do you find yourself dressing like Duckie? Then you might be stuck in the '80s.
You Waste Entire Weekends Playing Atari, Sega, and/or NES
Are you a fan of old video game devices? Do you own an Atari, a Sega, an NES? Do you find yourself challenging your friends, your kids, and even your co-workers to Duck Hunt duels? Are you a master at Mario Bros., Donkey Kong, and Pac-Man? Then you might be stuck in the '80s.
See also: Five Signs You Might Be a Shitty Rapper
Your Closet Contains Leg Warmers, Members Only Jackets, Spandex ...
Do you find yourself buying various scrunchies in assorted colors? Do you own more than one pair of spandex workout duds? A Members Only Jacket? Some supercomfy leg warmers? When you're about to go to the gym do you dress like Jennifer Beals, Jane Fonda, or Richard Simmons? Are you a fan of compression shorts and muscle shirts? Are you really into wearing thong leotards over classic biker shorts? Then you might be stuck in the '80s.
You Find Yourself Every Night at '80s Night
After another day at your grueling 9-to-5 job, do you get home and immediately begin getting ready to embark on another evening dedicated entirely to the 1980s? By 7:30 p.m., are you always dressed like Madonna or Cyndi Lauper? Or maybe more like Robert Smith or Dee Snider? Do you get so excited that you almost cry when "Like a Virgin" and "Just Like Heaven" comes on, and scream every lyric at the top of your lungs? When the club or the bar announces that they're about to close, do you begin to scream and shout "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" followed by "We're Not Gonna Take It"?
Then, yes, you might be stuck in the '80s.
-- Andrew Ensenat
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.