Fashion Freakouts From Fourth of July 2014 on South Beach

Page 5 of 5

See, these guys get it. We just want to wave our expensive bottles in the air while showing an obnoxious amount of national pride, and we also want to be ready to knock you the fuck out, should you get the idea that America isn't about being as obnoxious as possible. Shut the fuck up. It is.

Any red-blooded American has one thing on their mind: going home with some ass. Actually, if it's a party, we're not really into waiting. This is America. Our national dances are pretty much just grinding body parts onto someone else's naughty bits. Just make sure you use protection.

See also: The Six People You Meet on South Beach

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Kat Bein is a freelance writer and has been described as this publication’s "senior millennial correspondent." She has an impressive, if unhealthy, knowledge of all things pop culture.