Fashion Freakouts at Urban Beach Week 2014

Maybe you spent the past three days hidden in your bedroom, sleeping and watching Cosmos for fear of the insanity that was South Beach during Memorial Day weekend's belovedly named Urban Beach Week.

Of course, if you missed out on all the fashionable highlights, all the protruding bubble butts, all the gold chains and bucket hats, but our trusty photographers hit the streets and captured it all.

Here are ten fashion freakouts at Urban Beach Week 2014 in Miami.

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If you didn't already know she was a bad bitch, her hat will tell you. This is gangster goth realness. She must be real sad Rihanna's Instagram is dead.

Oh, OK, sir. You are quite comfortable with yourself, aren't you? It's important to get that all-over tan, and clearly, this weekend is all about showing off. If you've got it, flaunt it, amirite?

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We wonder how many hours it takes to get your braids lookin' this awesome. They pare the look down with some plain white tees. You don't want to distract from the masterpiece that is the coif. Literal crowning achievements.

This gives the term "booty shorts" a whole new meaning. It seems like she's showing a lot of skin, but you know there's twice as much shoved up under the denim. Judging by the hemline, those shorts must have been too uncomfortable with the extra three inches, because that cut looks homemade.

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Umm, we thought those guys with the braids were cool, but now we're not sure who wore crazy hair best. Also, whatever is happening just above his pants is working for us. Obvi, dude has a supercool '80s girlfriend. These two can probably party for decades.

Ah, yes, a good ol' Florida boy. Dude is rockin' the straw hat and beer belly, but why the mountain bike? Is that to take on the wild sand dunes? This guy is definitely ready for adventure.

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Oh, look! A hipster approaches. He didn't get the memo that we're trying to show as much skin as possible, or maybe he's just shirking the obvious trendy approach and countering said culture with some long-sleeve, scarf rebellion. Temperatures be damned!

Let's not forget what this holiday is all about. A lot of great men and women died for our right to be half-naked and drunk in the streets. Big ups, America, and all that shit.

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Damn. The tattoo says it all. She's def one of those "bad-is-good" types, though. We're not too sure there's actually anything left of that g-string. How is her vagina not incredibly uncomfortable?

If ever a wiser face did walk the streets of Urban Beach Week, we've never seen it. Something tells us a conversation with this guy would either make no sense or all the sense in the world. Probably both.

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Kat Bein is a freelance writer and has been described as this publication’s "senior millennial correspondent." She has an impressive, if unhealthy, knowledge of all things pop culture.