Fashion Freakouts at Ultra Music Festival 2013

What's the one place on Earth so magical that you can see titties, butt cheeks, and creepy man-horses, all while wearing the contents of a sixth-grade girl's friendship bracelet box?

That's right! Ultra Music Festival, the land to which people from all over the world travel to show off their freshly tanned skin and color coordination, and weekend one saw lots of risky moves pulled off on both the dance floor and the runway.

Well, there isn't really a runway. It's more like a clusterfuck of rainbow insanity on a garbage-strewn grassy field. But who can even tell the difference?

See also:

-Ten Best Butts at Ultra 2013

-Top Ten (Almost) Naked Raver Bros at Ultra 2013

-Ultra 2013: Top Six WTF Moments from Weekend One

-Top 13 Hardcore Ravers at Ultra 2013 in Animated GIF!

-Naked Dancing Dude Gets Arrested at Ultra Music Festival 2013 (NSFW VIDEO)

-Ultra in Pics: The 15 Photo Highlights, From Plushie Penises to Killer Clowns

The world is changing. Our society is progressing whether the Tea Party wants it or not. These days, it isn't just girls who get to walk around nearly naked at music festivals. We saw more protruding balls and stiffening shafts this UMF than ever before. Keep going, you brave soldiers of the social standard. Don't stop until you get that ass tan.

Going for the sensible yet sexy look? Want to show some skin without burning to a crisp? A fashionable parasol will do the trick! You can look stunning, cultured, and even-toned at the same damned time, just like these lovely ladies.

In the past, no one knew what the hell DJs looked like. People were too busy dancing to notice the awkward dude or gal bouncing behind the decks. But thanks to the invention of Fatheads, every real fan is accessorizing his or her rave-ready look with a giant cardboard cutout of a favorite DJ's face. Who needs anonymity when you can be a beat-freaking superstar?

Whoa, Nelly! What's this? Is it the Minotaur of legend? No, it's just some dude dying of heat stroke because he wants to be the creepiest bro in the crowd. We hope he heard "Why the long face?" no fewer than 700 times.

Now here's something you don't see every day. Only at UMF can you get away with a man's hand up your shirt as a fashion accessory. No shame here, guys. We're all just taking extra time to live out the L in PLUR. We can only assume they didn't stop here.

Of course, if you don't want to cover your beautiful face but you still want to look like some kind of evil man-animal monster that hell hath forgot, you can just wear an all-out plushie animal costume. Extra points for wearing a cute suit with dangling genitalia. This guy was probably the same kid who ran around high school in half-exposed thongs, just because he thought it was funny.

Oh yeah! Sunday was St. Patrick's Day! Did you wear your green? These guys brought out their Irish spirit hard. And obviously, they got drunk. We like how they incorporated their love of UMF into the look by painting green Ultra logos all over the place. Hopefully, their puke was green too!

It's always fun to coordinate with your friends at music festivals and dress up as different characters from the same cartoon/videogame/mythological universe. These kids are embarking on an adventure, and they're more than ready. If only they could also get girlfriends, they'd really be stuntin'.

These old men, on the other hand, have no trouble with the females. Who can resist a 70-year-old in a tutu? These guys and their leading lady have clearly been to a few rodeos, and they aren't afraid of just being themselves. They're an inspiration to young ravers everywhere -- not to mention living proof that this EDM thing can't possibly be a passing fad.

If all else fails, just load as much colorful plastic on to your body as possible. Trust us, you can go bead berserk, max out the credit card at Michael's, and still not come close to the most extreme kandi kid in the area. Damn it, though, you can have tons of fun trying to get there.

Follow Crossfade on Facebook and Twitter @Crossfade_SFL.

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Kat Bein is a freelance writer and has been described as this publication’s "senior millennial correspondent." She has an impressive, if unhealthy, knowledge of all things pop culture.