| Lists |

DJ Paris Hilton Signs to Cash Money: Five Reasons Her "House Album" Will Suck Balls

Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

Paris Hilton must really love abuse, because she just signed a record deal with Cash Money to release her follow-up to 2006's weird and critically-forgotten Paris.

She plans to release a "house album." And, like, nothing about a fluffy hip-hop label signing a talentless heiress to make EDM music sounds sellout-y.

Gasp! You say Cash Money's legit ... Well, let us remind you, this is the same label that signed the poppy Barbie doll rapper Nicki Minaj, as well as the who-gives-a-damn '90s macho mess Limp Bizkit. To put it bluntly, Lil Wayne, Birdman, and crew don't know what the eff they're doing these days.

And here are Crossfade's five reasons that DJ Paris Hilton's "house album" will suck balls.

See also:

-Lil Wayne and DJ Paris Hilton's Sex Tape

-Paris Hilton's DJ Debut Sucked Balls: An Extremely Detailed Breakdown

She's a Terrible DJ

In 2013, DJing and producing go hand-in-hand. Granted, not all producers should be DJing and not all DJs should be producing. But we're going to go out on a limb and say Hilton shouldn't be doing either. We know that Afrojack worked on the album with her, so it might have some chance for chart success if he ghostwrote a couple dank hooks. We still don't really want to listen to that shit, though.

Her First Album Was Like ... What?

This is actually Ms. Hilton's second album. Her upcoming canned EDM adventure is the follow-up to 2006's boring Paris. She had a semi-hit with the song "Stars Are Blind," but not even the gay community embraced the kitsch princess. If you're a goofy pop star and the gays won't touch you, why are you even trying?

Her Other Projects Are Lame

Does everyone remember The Simple Life? What was that? Besides that reality crap, all she's ever done is sell perfume, star in sex tapes, and make cameos in bad movies. Gross. Blah. Go away.

Cash Money Isn't That Awesome Anyway

Sure, Birdman has made smart enough business decisions to build an empire. But what is the YMCMB crew doing lately? Nicki Minaj is totes lame now. Drake is always crying about stuff. Lil Wayne doesn't make sense anymore. And Limp Bizkit? What?

Birdman's Excuse for Signing Paris is LOL-tastic

Birdman to L.A. Times be like, "Controversy and all of that, it works for your benefit. [Her Cash Money deal] being so talked about shows the strength of her popularity. I'm very excited. I'm very appreciative that she's part of the team. She's very talented, and a beautiful young woman." Hahaha! He is trollin'! Dis gon' be good!

Follow Crossfade on Facebook and Twitter @Crossfade_SFL.

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.