Welcome to the second annual Bruise Cruise Festival, "a three-day tropical rock extravaganza" set to sail outta the Port of Miami and straight for Nassau, Bahamas, like some kinda dream ship for cool kids in search of a Spring Break that doesn't suck.
The passenger list: You and a giddy mob of 499 Bruisers, plus a rad roundup of your favorite indie celebs including cerebral punk crew Fucked Up, garage-y shamans King Khan & The Shrines, two of the Vivian Girls, superstar cover band The Togas, and Cali rock crazies Thee Oh Sees.
Oh, and don't forget cruise vets Quintron & Miss Pussycat, punk legend Jello Biafra, weirdo comic Neil Hamburger, and a bunch of other totally awesome on-board entertainers.
According to this sea-faring fest's full schedule of events, each and every Bruiser will enjoy "multiple concerts, comedy hours, puppet shows, dance parties, karaoke, dating games, conga lines, advice sessions, lectures, dance classes, and workout hours" as well as all the usual amenities (i.e. nine-hole mini-golf course, water park, resort-style pools, hot tubs, card rooms, and 24-hour self-serve sundae bar) to be expected from a floating fucking theme park like the 70,000-ton fantasy-class Carnival Imagination.
Believe it or not, though, the bruisin' and cruisin' actually begins before the ship even steams out to sea. On both Wednesday and Thursday nights, just after sundown, a half-thousand hyped-up vacationers will flee their hotels to descend upon Miami's Design District for a night of supercold brew, killer tuneage, and sloppy networking with strangers.
That's right, we're talking about the Bruise Cruise Two-Night Kickoff Party at local rock club The Stage, which means this little lost weekend at sea's all set to last a whole lot longer than 72 hours. In fact, you can pretty much double the running time.
And that's why we at Crossfade have decided to assemble this unofficial, expanded Bruise Cruise party plan. At some point over the next five days, you will get unbelievably wasted, eat too much buffet grub, party till you puke, fall asleep in the Jacuzzi, and then wake up with absolutely no idea whether it's time to partake of Puppets & Pancakes or play The Dating Game. So keep these pages in your driest jorts' pocket and let us be your lighthouse.
Wednesday, February 8
1 p.m. The Voyage Has (Almost) Begun. Take a pee, guzzle a gallon of water, and choke down a five-day dose of multivitamins. Then catch a nice six-hour nap. This is your last chance to not party till next week.
8 p.m. Head for The Stage. Your iPhone died. The alarm didn't go off. You're already late. So hurry up and get dressed ... Umm, you packed a tie-dye tank top, nighttime sunglasses, and ironic water wings, right?
9:15 p.m. Pre-Show Pickup Sesh. Single, horny, and bored? Grab a couple of drinks from The Stage's bar and go cruisin' for an eligible Bruiser.
11:37 p.m. Meet Blowfly at the Bruise Cruise Kickoff, Day One. In the spirit of "explor[ing] the nightlife and culture of South Florida," the Bruise Cruise board of executives has asked the 305's most distinguished cultural ambassador, superfilthy 70-year-old rapper Blowfly, to showcase his skills, i.e. singing "Should I Fuck this Big Fat Ho?," to the tune of the Clash's 1982 classic, "Should I Stay or Should I Go?"
Thursday, February 9
3:37 p.m. Wake-Up Call. What? Where? How? You may never fully reconstruct the scrambled 16-hour sequence of semi-forgotten events that led to waking up in the back seat of a busted-up Buick beside a Bruiser named Scout with the phrase "I Wanna Be Fellated" scrawled in red pen across your stomach. But we all know the cure for random blackouts, brutal hangovers, and bad decisions, right?
4 p.m. Booze Breakfast. Get ripped on cheap rum and rid your brain of last night's leftover memories. It's almost time for the Bruise Cruise Kickoff! Again!
8 p.m. Get Fucked Up at the Bruise Cruise Kickoff, Day Two. Your final night ashore in South Florida's gonna be spent getting totally Fucked Up. And no, we don't mean intoxicated. We're referring to that aforementioned "cerebral punk crew," a six-piece sonic destruction machine led by a 300-pound human wrecking ball named Father Damian. You, your fellow Bruisers, and The Stage will soon be reduced to smoking rubble. And it'll feel amazing.
Friday, February 10
1 p.m. Register for Bruiser Credentials. Scoring cool kid cred has never been so simple! Just show up to the Port of Miami with a valid passport, drag your ass aboard the Carnival Imagination, and sign along the dotted line!
3:30 p.m. Cruisin' Safety Briefing. Sure, it might seem like an awesome idea to skip the safety briefing to go get sloshed on piña coladas in the Mirage Bar. But it's absolutely imperative that you learn emergency cruise ship procedure. So stay sober and take notes 'cause you never know when your captain might go loco, start spinning doughnuts in some uncharted part of the Atlantic Ocean, and crash into an underwater volcano.
4:30 p.m. Discover Your Swag Bag. There's nothing cooler than free shit. And each and every Bruiser gets a tote filled with gratis goodies, including beer koozies, limited-edition vinyl records, even a sheet of temporary tattoos. Obviously, though, we suggest you begin by getting acquainted with that complimentary bottle of wine.
10:30 p.m. Jello Biafra Speaks. After an entire afternoon of merlot shots followed by another random blackout on your way to Thee Oh Sees' sweaty 5:45 p.m. rock 'n' roll sesh, you should probably let your brain breathe a bit. Why not try this late-night lecture by former Dead Kennedys frontman Jello Biafra? According to the Bruise Cruise board of executives, "It might be a rant. It might be a Q&A. It might be all or none of the above!"
Saturday, February 11
3:30 p.m. Bruiser Karaoke. Time to trot out the ol' Iggy-Pop-slathered-in-peanut-butter impersonation for "I Wanna Be Your Dog." Or maybe don a fake mustache and strike a sweeter key with Hall & Oates' "Private Eyes." The choice is yours.
5 p.m. Nibbles in Nassau. With the Carnival Imagination chillin' in the Port of Nassau, you should definitely grab some grub on the island. May we suggest the Poop Deck, "serving Nassau's most outstanding seafood since 1972!"
8 p.m. Big Bruisin', Heavy Cruisin' at Señor Frogs. You bought the ticket. You took the ride. You believed in a Spring Break that doesn't suck. And now you've finally arrived on the sands of Señor Frog's in your Bruise Cruise-brand bathing suit (or banana hammock) to dance in the surf and swill Frog's Punch by the pitcher while getting Fucked Up (again!) for five hours alongside two Vivian Girls, Anna Seregina, The Togas, Soft Pack, and Mr. Hamburger.
2 a.m. Get Back to the Boat. Dude, if you miss the ship and get stranded on land, it's a 200-mile swim. So snap out of that tequila coma. Quick.
Sunday, February 12
11:30 a.m. Puppets & Pancakes. Eating puppets is sick and twisted. Playing with pancakes is messy and stupid. But flip those scenarios and you've got an adorable Sunday-morning breakfast show with New Orleans flapjack aficionado and master puppeteer Miss Pussycat.
1 p.m. The Dating Game. Sometimes, even hipsters with rad tats, perfect hair, and clean underwear need a semi-ironic ripoff of Chuck Barris's best game show brainfart to help them find true love.
1 p.m. Swamp Stack Dance Party. Sadly, the Swamp Stack Dance Party with one-man band Quintron will be your final bout of bruisin' and cruisin'. Happily, you just hooked up with a bespectacled babe named Scout in the last round of The Dating Game. Uh, wait ...
12:17 a.m. Mandatory Goodbye Binge. With the Bruise Cruise coming to a close in less than eight hours, you've gotta binge eat, overdrink, and get crazy with the recreational activities. So screw sleep, ditch Scout (again), scarf a seven-serving hot fudge sundae, slam a 60-ounce Sex on the Beach, and do a bellyflop in the hot tub. This is your last hurrah.
Sunday, February 12
8 a.m. The Voyage Is Over. Godspeed, Bruisers!
Bruise Cruise Two-Night Kickoff Party, Day One. Wednesday, February 8. The Stage, 170 NE 38th St., Miami. The party starts at 8 p.m. and two-day passes cost $25 plus fees via fla.vor.us. Free with Bruise Cruise ticket. Ages 21 and up. Call 305-576-9577 or visit thestagemiami.com.
Bruise Cruise Two-Night Kickoff Party, Day Two. Thursday, February 9. The Stage, 170 NE 38th St., Miami. The party starts at 8 p.m. and two-day passes cost $25 plus fees via fla.vor.us. Free with Bruise Cruise ticket. Ages 21 and up. Call 305-576-9577 or visit thestagemiami.com.
Bruise Cruise Festival with Fucked Up, King Khan & The Shrines, The Togas, Vivian Girls DJ set, Thee Oh Sees, Quintron and Miss Pussycat, the Soft Pack, the Dirtbombs, Neil Hamburger, and Jello Biafra. Friday, February 10, to Monday, February 13. Carnival Imagination, boarding at the Port of Miami, 1015 N. America Way, Miami. Tickets cost $550 to $615 per person plus gratuities via bruisecruisefestival.com.
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.