We here at Crossfade are total fucking pros.
So while we openly admit to being dangerously dependent upon both (1) the internet and (2) alcohol, it is exceedingly rare that either addiction discernibly screws with our ability to produce high-quality online journalism.
This weekend, though, I, S. Pajot, have found myself trapped aboard the Bruise Cruise, a 72,000-ton fantasy class ship with virtually non-existent wi-fi service and unlimited booze of all kinds.
Thus, web-less and wasted, Crossfade presents this totally drunk tweetcap with pictures! Plus, famous guy sightings, philosophical puzzlers, and a full inventory of the Bruise Cruise emergency supply kit.
1 p.m. This is S. Pajot, reporting from a fucking cruise ship. @BruiseCruise #CarnivalImagination #RockNRoll
1:09 p.m. Famous Guy Sighting #1: TV on the Radio's Kyp Malone has boarded the @BruiseCruise and he's doling out hugs in the Xanadu Lounge.
1:16 p.m. Famous Guy Sighting #2: @Jello_Biafra just asked, "What am I supposed to do?," and then walked into a closed glass door.
3:09 p.m. When a hairy hipster gets drunk on pina coladas and falls off a rock 'n' roll cruise ship, does he make a splash? #PhilosophicalPuzzler
3:09 p.m. Famous Guy Sighting #3: Upon receiving my Bruise Cruise credentials, Fucked Up's Father Damian flashed me a double thumbs up.
3:17 p.m. A Fucked Up Introduction: "Hey, I'm Damian. And I will be your cruise director."
4:56 p.m. Bruisin' & Cruisin' Emergency Supply Kit: Free Santa Carolina merlot, 2011 vintage; Grooveshark-branded rolling papers; music and comedy ...
5:07 p.m. Bruisin' & Cruisin' Emergency Supply Kit (cont'd): ... on vinyl; 45 record adapter rings; cheap pen for notes and makeshift tracheotomies ...
5:18 p.m. Bruisin' & Cruisin' Emergency Supply Kit (cont'd): BC t-shirt, shades, and complimentary lubricated latex condom, expires October 2014.
Resale Concert Tickets
5:46 p.m. Opening Ceremonies With Dirtbombs: These Motor City motherfuckers look like they've been swimming laps in an Olympic-size sweat pool.
6:35 p.m. Did you know the correct translation of Thee Oh Sees is "I'm gonna fuck your ear holes with the neck of my splintered guitar?" #SonicAssault
7:15 p.m. During the safety briefing earlier, a drunk gentleman (tatted, shirtless, hirsute) wouldn't stop shouting, "Party!" He's still saying it.
10:30 p.m. A conversation between a cruiser and a Bruiser: "Is this line for the restroom?" "No, Jello Biafra." "What?"
10:38 p.m. "Party! Jello Biafra sucks. Don't waste your time." -- Party Guy
10:50 p.m. FYI, if you invite Jello to a party, he hates Budweiser. Only microbrews are punk enough. #HardcoreBoozeRules
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
12:04 a.m. Nightcap #1: A lukewarm margarita and five water glasses of free Santa Carolina merlot, 2011 vintage.
12:52 a.m. Nightcap #2: Two Budweisers ... We didn't invite Biafra. #SorryJello
1:33 a.m. Nightcap #3: Fun Asswhore ... It's the cruise industry's premiere publication concerning anal-only sex professionals. No boners about it.