Look at him now!
Yesterday, Chris Brown turned 22 years old. And tonight's the so-called "Official Celebrity Birthday Party" at Club Play.
But if you're gonna go scream "Happy B-Day!" in the little sparkplug's face, you can't show up empty-handed. It's only good manners to bring a gift.
What, though, do you get a spazzy, girl-beating, window-smashing pop star with everything? See the cut for Crossfade's very thoughtful suggestions.
5. Boxing Gloves
Remember when Chris Brown punched Rihanna in the face a bunch of times? Well, he did it with his bare hands. But with these Everlast wristwrap boxing gloves, he'll be protected the next time he decides to go all C. Breezy on somebody. The man's got beautiful, scar-free knuckles. Let's keep it that way.
4. A Razor Blade
Motherfucker needs to shave his head. Have you seen the blonde fuzz that's been growing out of his skull lately? He looks like Sisquo's butch baby brother.
3. A Glock
Despite the goofy hair, Brown's been hanging out with hard cases like Lil Wayne in an attempt to score some street cred. So why not get the guy a glock for his b-day? Best-case scenario: Breezy catches a gun wrap just like Weezy. There's nothing more dangerous than a pretty boy in prison. And if he survives jail time, the world will never again call him a rage-driven crybaby prone to ridiculous chair-throwing tantrums. But if they do ...
2. A Four-Day Anger Management Retreat in Northern California
Breezy lost his mind and smashed a window after being emotionally overwhelmed during an interview with Good Morning America's Robin Roberts. So obviously, the little dude hasn't conquered his anger issues. Which is why it would be hugely therapeutic to spend the better part of a week meditating, breathing deeply, and performing synchronized choreography with Buddhist monks in the mountains of Northern Cali.
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1. A $40,000 Bottle of Dom Perignon
We don't know if Brown's a boozer. Maybe he enjoys a nice foamy flute of superexpensive sparkling wine. And maybe not. But you can never go wrong with a $40,000 bottle of the bubbly shit. Plus, it's got plenty of alternate uses. Say cleaning your sneakers. Or spraying haters in the face. Or making like the French and dipping your junk in it when there isn't time to take a shower before your next booty call. Just like C. Breezy, champagne's straight classy.
Chris Brown's Official Celebrity Birthday Party. Friday, May 6. Club Play, 1045 Fifth St., Miami Beach. Call 305-532-4340 or visit clubplaysouthbeach.com.