Each year 'round the holidays, Crossfade readies itself to receive an influx of letters from Miami-Dade County hip-hop heads asking the one question that plagues rap fans around the country: What should we stuff our favorite rapper's stocking with this year?
Well, rather than replying to each letter individually, we've decided to publish a gift-giving guide this year.
Check out the list after the cut.
Stuffers: $15 Simon Giftcard, BPA-Free Water Bottle, and Jewelry Polishing Cloth
What do you get for the man who has "all gold everything?"
Well, James loves "hipster bitches that shop at Lennox" mall in Atlanta, so a Simon Property Group gift card is a thoughtful stocking stuffer, as is a jewelry polishing cloth to keep said "all gold everything" clean.
However, the sweetest gift you could give a sweaty someone who "popped a Molly" is a BPA-free water bottle, a reminder to stay hydrated while recreationally enjoying designer drugs.
Stuffers: Pocketsize Notepad and a Wallet
With his "homie in the cell," Ross felt that he "had to write a poem." Surely, he'd love a compact notebook to jot some verses down when the mood strikes.
And even though people know better than to start shit with the Bawse, it's no excuse for Lil Woodie to have Rozay's money "rolled up in a rubber band."
Get a wallet.
Stuffers: Febreze and an Everglades Airboat Tour for Two
These days, Danny Brown's bankrolling enough loot to be blowing "big blunts on the way brunch." And homie's been in the game long enough to know that you can never have enough Febreze in the whip; nothing neutralizes incriminating weed smoke better than an in-car air vent clip-on.
As for the Everglades airboat tour, Brown mentioned that "when thee bitches see [him], man, they wetter than the Everglades." We thought it'd be fun for him to take one of the ladies on a date.
Stuffers: A Copy of The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and Therapy Sessions
Lamar "was in the dark room," music blaring as he vowed to "get fucked up," the same way granddaddy did with a "golden flask."
Alcoholism is serious shit, y'all. And before he dives any deeper into his "swimming pool of liquor," Kendrick Lamar should meet Bill W. and speak to shrink.
Stuffers: Welcome Mat and Koozies
Dude's always in the market for real estate, it seems. First, Kanye's eyeing property in Miami with Kim Kardashian. Now he's "looking at a crib next to where TC lives, that's Tom Cruise."
Wherever he ends up, he'll need a welcome mat that reminds people to wipe their feet.
The Koozies are simply for "refreshments," particularly "cool, cool beverages."