According to the Emerald Isle's Central Statistics Office, the average Irish male can expect to prowl around Planet Earth for about 76 years, 9 months, and 18 days.
Do you know what that means? It means that U2, as a band, is totally middle aged. (Formed in 1976, the bombastic arena rock quartet turned 35 this year.) And as individuals, the situation is even bleaker.
Bono's already 51! Ditto Adam "Bass Boy" Clayton! Drummer Larry Mullen Jr. hits the big five-oh next Halloween! And the Edge isn't so edgy at 49!
Obviously, though, U2 ain't dead yet. And if we do a few rough calculations, it wouldn't be wacko to expect Bono and crew to crap out another couple of semi-conscious decades, six more mediocre albums, and an equal number of never-ending, galaxy-spanning, multimillion-dollar megatours.
So yes, it's too early for a post-mortem. But why not get started just for fun? Here are ten glorious, strange, and shameful moments in the very long career of U2.
10. Becoming Bono
On May 10, 1960, a chubby little baby boy named Paul David Hewson was born in Dublin. His mother was an Anglican. His father was a Catholic. And later, as a teenager, little Paulie joined a surrealist street gang. Who joins a fucking surrealist street gang? Well, apparently, the same kind of arty dorks who give themselves cutesy Latin nicknames. Hence, Bono Vox (translation: Nice Voice), which he eventually shortened to just Bono.
9. A Band Is Born
These days, a band begins with a Facebook message. But three and a half decades ago, you had to handwrite a note, tack it to a corkboard, and wait a few days for somebody to respond via telephone or actual face-to-face conversation. That's how 14-year-old Larry Mullen Jr. put together the best-selling rock outfit in human history. They called themselves the Larry Mullen Band and then Feedback, the Hype, and finally U2.
8. "Sunday Bloody Sunday"
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Following the lukewarm success of the band's debut, 1980's Boy, and a weird sophomore detour into pseudo-Christian rock 'n' roll on the next year's October, U2 finally got its shtick together with War. It was a big, ambitious, politicized pop rock album. It was a direct response to violent conflict in places like Northern Ireland and Poland. And it was a stiff middle finger to sucky New Wave fluff.
7. Bad Hair Decade
Undoubtedly, the 1980s was a pretty good decade for U2's musical output. But man, those were some shitty, shameful years for Bono's hair. He generally rocked a 'do known as the grandma mullet -- fuzzy on top, longish in back, ugly all over. Thankfully, though, as a new decade dawned, Bono started sporting the sleek, slicked-back look. Unfortunately, that was also the moment when he became fond of wearing cowboy hats, trading the bad hair '80s for the bad headwear '90s.
6. Rich and Bored
After totally killing it with 1987's The Joshua Tree, making a kazillion bucks, circumnavigating the globe, scoring the cover of Time, and basically cementing a spot in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, U2 got bored with itself. So the band had an identity crisis, got deep into so-called alternative rock, and came up with 1991's Achtung Baby. Meanwhile, Bono became obsessed with a pair of oversized, wrap-around sunglasses and adopted a ridiculous alter ego named "The Fly." The result: Totally killing it, making a kazillion bucks, circumnavigating the globe, etc.
5. "Beautiful Day"
When 1997's Pop album bombed, U2 almost quit the rock star grind. But then, the band dreamed up a little ditty called "Beautiful Day." It rocketed to the top of the Billboard charts. It won three Grammys. And it helped 2000's All That You Can't Leave Behind move major weight. But c'mon, this song sucks. It's an epically boring example of U2 on autopilot. And unfortunately, "It's a beautiful day/Don't let it get away" will be soundtracking crappy wedding video montages for the rest of our natural lives.
4. Rock Stars Who Give a Shit
Between compulsively polishing gold-plated gramophone statuettes, playing the Super Bowl XXXVI Halftime Show, and getting inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame within minutes of becoming eligible, U2 spent a good chunk of the mid 2000s doing good deeds. One example: Extending the band's decades-long legacy of activism and political engagement, Bono powwowed with Kennedy cousin Bobby Shriver, Bill and Melinda Gates, billionaire George Soros, and tech mogul Edward W. Scott to launch DATA (Debt, AIDS, Trade, Africa), a multinational activist organization that's now part of the ONE campaign.
The point: Not all rock stars have to be a bunch of apathetic, drug-addicted assholes like the Rolling Stones. It's cool to care, people.
3. Don't Do Downloading
OK, so we're perfectly willing to sit through Bono's self-righteous speeches on legitimate global issues such as poverty, hunger, human rights, political oppression, and the AIDS epidemic. But when he and the rest of the gang sic their manager, Paul McGuinness, on us with an urgent editorial (see GQ's August 2010 UK edition) about the evils of illegal downloading, all we've gotta say is, "Can we borrow a couple bucks? We still haven't paid off our Zoo TV tickets."
2. The Spiderman Incident
When it was announced that Bono and The Edge were composing the music and lyrics for a Broadway adaptation of the Spiderman story, our first reaction was, "Wow, we never really thought about it. But yeah, isn't campy light opera exactly what U2 have been heading toward for the last decade?" And our second reaction was, "Umm, still a bad idea."
Sure enough, the musical's been a total mess. There have been bad reviews, budget problems, and actors falling out of the sky at an alarming rate. But here's the part that makes us queasy: In one scene, the Green Goblin struggles to get Daily Bugle editor J. Jonah Jameson to answer his freaking phone, only to be left on hold, listening to "Beautiful Day" on repeat.
Ugh, that song sucks.
1. Old Dudes Rule
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Over the last few years, U2's had plenty of bad luck: (1) The aforementioned Spiderman mess; (2) Months' worth of tour delays caused by Bono's busted back; and now (3) the announcement that the band's completed "clubbing record" (produced in part by David Guetta and Will.i.am) is so cringe-inducingly crappy that even the band can't bear to see it released.
And yet this 35-year-old Irish juggernaut cannot be stopped! The 360° Tour just hit the $717 million mark, utterly destroying the Rolling Stones' $554 million record for the highest-grossing music tour in the history of arena entertainment. So it's official ... Bono and crew might be a bunch of old guys with stupid sunglasses and a burning hatred for intellectual property theft. But according to the stats, they still rule!
U2 360° Tour with special guest Florence and the Machine. Wednesday, June 29. Sun Life Stadium, 2267 Dan Marino Blvd., Miami Gardens. The concert begins at 7 p.m. and tickets cost $30 to $250 plus fees via livenation.com. Call 305-623-6100 or visit sunlifestadium.com.