Memorial Day Weekend in Miami means a lot of things. There are parties, of course, and just about every rapper to ever hold a microphone comes to town. There are also less-desired things like traffic, and this year we saw some even nastier issues of racism and city-organized attempts to squeeze the last bit of air from Urban Beach Week's lungs.
But even if you didn't manage to get over the bridge and through the controversies, perhaps you were lucky enough to enjoy the undisputed highlight of Memorial Day Weekend in Miami: the strip clubs.
Traditionally, this means King of Diamonds. The iconic Miami venue had a stacked lineup for Memorial Day Weekend, featuring Birdman, O.T. Genasis, Lil Boosie, 50 Cent, and more. But this year, a new contender stepped up to the plate to claim the title of
The adult entertainment venue, which we named Best Strip Club in 2013, just posted its video recap from Memorial Day Weekend and it is, quite literally, lit.
Where do we even start?
We open on one of the most hyped MCs on the market,
Inside the club, through a series of quick cuts set to Kanye West's "Pt. 2," we see Blac Chyna, Busta Rhymes, a little person painted to look like a panda, Birdman, a woman holding a bottle of Hennessy between her butt cheeks, and what's either Rob Kardashian or Tony Siragusa.
But the pièce de résistance comes at the one-minute mark, where we see a stone-faced dancer shoot a fireball from her crotch so big it would make Khaleesi blush. She nearly barbecues the man to her left, who's probably still working on growing back that eyebrow.
"The fire trick was amazing," a G5ive manager who goes by the name James Puppy says. "That's what put us over the edge right there." Over the phone, Puppy admits Memorial Day Weekend was good to his club, though he'd rather not say how much revenue G5ive took in over those three days. "Every celebrity you want to name was here at G5 Miami."
But even all those celebs couldn't stack up to the vaginal flame thrower that makes an appearance in the video. Puppy's not positive what her name was. She was out of town talent who flew in for the weekend — a common practice among exotic dancers looking to capitalize on the surge in crowds. But he says the club will definitely be bringing her back as soon as possible.
Look, we can talk about this all day, but chances are you've already stopped reading and are rewatching the genital fireworks display over and over again while clutching a bag of frozen peas between your thighs. Never change, Miami.
