When it comes to dating in Miami, we really have to ask: Are we meeting terrible men on Tinder because there are terrible men trolling the women of Miami, or are we just putting all the wrong vibes out there? Is this the proverbial chicken-or-the-egg situation, or is the quality-guy-to-girl ratio in Miami just totally off?
Ladies, the situation may be dismal, but it seems you're not exactly innocent either. Let's not forget that like attracts like, and whatever you put out into the Tinder universe, karma will return in kind. We're aware of how hard it is to find a good man these days, but right now we feel the need to do the guys a favor.
So, guys, steer clear of ladies exhibiting any of these major red flags. You can thank us later.
Just one question. Why? Why do women insist that the duck face is attractive? What do you think it says about you when you purposefully contort your face into a pout and then take a selfie? What is the duck-face phenomenon? Is it so your lips appear bigger? Cheekbones higher? Whenever I see a duck face, I automatically form an opinion, and it's that you're a moron. Ladies, if you're guilty of duck face, please, MAKE IT STOP.
The gold digger
The gold digger may be a little obvious in Miami, but we're going to warn you anyway. She's at a club or a restaurant in all of her photos, and the look in her eyes says that's what she's all about. Unless you want to spend all of your hard-earned cash trying to make this girl happy, swipe left.
An engineered superhuman: She's supertall, superthin, and rocking the biggest rack you have ever seen. She's wearing cutoff shorts, a tight v-neck baseball tee, and braids. There's a reason she's fulfilling all of your fantasies in just a couple of pics: It's because her profile is obviously being controlled by a robot, and it's one that's trying to sell porn. If you swipe right, you'll quickly find yourself locked into a play-for-pay situation that'll leave you more out of pocket than if you had just gone for the gold digger.
This girl is usually wearing dark lipstick and maybe she's a Wiccan. She doesn’t smile in any of her photos, because happiness is for fools. She's looking for a man who'll join her in her underworld of S&M and fetishes, freak-style. Sure, this could be fun for a while (you've seen Fifty Shades of Grey, right?), but only if you're up for the spanking.
It's not that Tinder shouldn’t be used by middle-aged, divorced moms, but what the hell is she doing in your age bracket? The cougar likes to fashion herself an older version of Miley Cyrus. Of course, every guy has the whole MILF fantasy to fulfill, but ladies like these often come with quite a bit of emotional baggage. So unless you're in it for the long haul, swipe left.
The party girl
If four out of five photos involve this girl holding a drink, it's pretty obvious what she's into, and she's more interested in going out and getting trashed than she is having any kind of relationship. Sure, it seems great if you're not looking for anything serious, but after the third or fourth time you show up to get some and end up dragging her passed-out ass to bed, you begin to think differently.
The cool girl
She wants to charm you into thinking she's a guys girl by giving you some weird factoid about what makes her so much cooler than your average girl. "When I was a kid, I ate nothing but KFC for an entire year," she quips. "I'll eat five tacos on the first date because I don't care about being fit." But you should probably be wary of a girl who has this kind of disclaimer, because it sounds like she's pretty neurotic, and she might be more trouble than she's worth. Just remember what Gillian Flynn had to say about the cool girl.
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