I Drank Go-Go Juice: Jitters, Racing Heart, and a Crash

Chances are you've seen or heard about Toddlers and Tiaras, the TLC show that features little children dressed like mini-hookers and the parents who push them.

The show is like watching roadkill, and I admit I've spent one too many rainy Saturday afternoons with T&T marathons. After all, I was a child pageant contestant (once) and remember the hateful hair spray, that tackle box filled with green- and blue-frosted eye crayons, and those neon orange hot pants my crazy mother thought were so adorable on my chubby little five-year-old body. I got out by running away from home after the pageant, agreeing to stay put if I didn't have to do that ever again. Others aren't so lucky. Like Honey Boo Boo.

Honey Boo Boo's real name is Alana Thompson. The six-year old self-proclaimed redneck girl and pageant queen wins countless worthless tiaras and sashes by prancing around in Daisy Dukes and big hair, playing with her belly fat (apparently that wins the judges' hearts every time), and in general being a little peroxide and tanned ball of energy. Where does this little girl get all this energy, you may ask? A little concoction dreamed up by her mom called Go-Go Juice.

Go-Go Juice, by the way is a heinous combination of Mountain Dew and Red Bull mixed together. In an interview on Good Morning America, June (who is overweight, by the way), sees nothing wrong with giving her little angel this drink. She also adds that she used Pixy Stix (known in pageant circles as kiddie crack) on Honey Boo Boo (sometimes as many as 16 in a day), but they didn't work.

The truth is, too much caffeine and sugar is potentially threatening to children. The American Academy of Pediatrics

recommends that "adolescents get no

more than 100 milligrams of caffeine a day. Younger children shouldn't drink

caffeinated beverages on a regular basis." In a report dated May 29,

2011, The American Academy of Pediatrics lists other concerns from sugar

in energy drinks, like dental problems, weight gain, obesity, and

glycogen spikes resulting in energy crashes.

According to the Mayo Clinic's website,

a 16-ounce bottle of Mountain Dew contains 14-55 milligrams caffeine,

220 calories, and 62 grams of sugar. An 8.4-ounce can of Red Bull

contains 110 calories, 76-80 milligrams of caffeine, and 27 grams of

sugar. An 8-ounce cup of coffee, by the way, contains about 100

milligrams of caffeine.

So, I decided to play guinea pig in a

little experiment. I bought a Mountain Dew, a Red Bull, and made myself

a Go-Go Juice to see if this concoction would affect me at all.


downing the 24 ounces of sugary-carbonated goodness, I felt nothing

other than bloated. For a good ten minutes. Then came the racing

heartbeat. I was feeling a little jittery, so at 9 p.m., I decided to

use the energy to walk the dog. Not bad, maybe I'll even use this Go-Go

Juice for my upcoming ultra-marathon, I figured. Until the crash.


30 minutes after the high, I crashed. I mean, literally passed out on

the couch at a little after 10 p.m., which is unheard of for me. But

the worst thing is, when I finally woke up at around midnight, I still

felt ... weird. Tired and wired at the same time.

In conclusion,

I can only surmise that giving this crap to an adult is stupid ... and

giving this unholy blend of Mountain Dew and Red Bull is just plain

wrong for the kindergarten set. What's next for these kids -- speed and

diet pills? Oh, wait ... that's what they gave Judy Garland when she was a

girl. Here's Alana (Honey Boo Boo) being hyper:

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