Basketball Wives: Happy Birthday, I Got You My Thrusting Vagina!

We're only two episodes into Basketball Wives, and I'm pretty sure this entire series is about two things: hefty promotion for the Miami restaurants and clubs that allow the cast to film, and the drama caused by Royce Reed's constant cooch gooshing.

Yes, MIA on Biscayne and Philippe Chow's Philippe Restaurant got major exposure this episode, but perhaps the biggest local service featured this time was the styling expertise of Noe, or, as Evelyn calls him, "one of my girlfriends in a man's body," which is a nice way of saying supergay.

See, Evelyn was preparing for her big 34th birthday bash, her first in a long time as a single woman, and she needed to catch the eyes of a man. Now there are two kinds of gay stylists in the world: the ones who talk about how innovative Rodarte was this season and dress you in conceptual outfits of artfully ripped dresses and combat boots, and then there are the ones who make sure your knockers look superfly. Noe is the latter, and, man, for a gay dude, he sure loves boobies.

"Oh my God, I love the boobs... Oh my God, I don't like the way it squished your boobs!" he shouts. The man is clearly the city's foremost expert on titty aesthetics.

So, Noe made sure Evelyn's lady lumps would star in a form-fitting sparkly minidress at her big bash at MIA at Biscayne, but alas, they would be upstaged by Royce's ever-wiggling vajayjay. We'll get to that later.

In the meantime, we join Eric Williams, AKA "Jabber Jaws," and his wife Jennifer at Philippe. Despite the fact Eric hasn't been on an NBA roster since 2007, he still thinks he's the total shit. There's messy rib eating and some indication Eric cheated on Jennifer in the past, which wasn't selfish, he says -- he was just trying to please himself at the time -- which is pretty much the definition of selfish.

That's sad and all, but can we please get back to the main crotch-twerking plot of this episode? Enough of this awkward displaying of general emotions. Thank you.

After some deliberation, Evelyn decides to invite Royce to the birthday party, because, well, this is a reality-TV show and there needs to be some drama. Problem is Royce doesn't show up. Maybe she spotted something shiny on her way over and decided to dry-hump it for a few hours like a stripper pole, but we'll never know.

Eventually, she makes her hips stop jiggling for a while so she can get herself to the party, where she unveils her big present for Evelyn: choreographed pussy popping!!

Now, if you remember the last episode, Evelyn got superpeeved about Royce's constant dirty dancing and staged a bit of an intervention, basically yelling, "Keep your ass covered up, and stop it from gyrating," for an hour. Somehow Reece's mind intereperts this as: "OMG! I should gyrate my ass for her birthday dinner! She'll love that!"

Evelyn did not love that:

But Evelyn should know better now. Asking Royce Reed to show up anywhere is also asking for her candy store to be jangling in the general direction of your face, and well, Evelyn got what she asked for. Let's hope she had some birthday cake to go with that impromptu birthday pie.