Miami Dolphins Five Keys to Victory Versus Buffalo

Last week, the Dolphins managed to put their season on life support with a strong performance against a terrible Jags team. With a 6-8 record, the Dolphins have a roughly .0000000000081% chance of getting into the playoffs if certain scenarios play out. JOY!

However, in order to do that the Dolphins will have to beat a Bills team that gave them several backhand bitch slaps in their first meeting last month. NO ONE EVER SAID MEDIOCRITY WOULD COME EASY, FOLKS!  It takes hard goddamn work - blood, sweat and tears - for the Dolphins to achieve their special brand of sub-mediocrity.

Keys to the Game:

1. Overcome Injuries to Guys That Are Barely Good With Less Good Guys
Last week, the Dolphins sustained injuries to both Daniel Thomas and Charles Clay. This week both of them were placed on injured reserve, leaving a gaping hole in the Guys That Are Not Really Very Good But We Need Them To Play Anyway area of the roster. Daniel Thomas (with his vaginal feet) actually scored a few TDs this season and flashed some brilliance here and there, however, the guy is a complete numbskull and his lack of vision, fumblelitis and myopic pass blocking will not be missed. As for Charles Clay, he also had a disappointing season after a rookie campaign where everyone thought 'ZOMG! CHARLES CLAY IS EXPLODE NEXT YEAR, BROOO!' Well, not exactly. And now he's on the IR for the rest of the season.

2. Life Without Brian Hartline?
Wide Receiver Brian Hartline achieved 1,000 yards receiving for the first time in his career last week. Then his body decided to tell his boss to fuck off and take vacation early this year. If Hartline can't go, that means more Armon Binns, Marlon Moore and Rishard Matthews. I'm sure Ryan Tannehill is VERY much looking forward to throwing to those guys. So let's light some candles and burn some sage in the hopes Brian Hartline's back heals up for Sunday. I guess this is what happens when you draft fat guys that don't score touchdowns ahead of speedy, sure-handed physical freaks that CAN score touchdowns for your team.  What a concept!

3. What To Do About LaMontelle Pussyhammer
Reggie Bush has said he wants to remain a Dolphin and his involvement on the field has been rather inconsistent as of late. Clearly the dude can ball when he gets a chance to get more involved and you can get him out in space but the Dolphins coaches are either enamored with Daniel Thomas in a very romantical way or they are completely fucking stupid. No Daniel Thomas means perhaps more LaMontelle Pussyhammer - carving out canyons of Buffalo Bills ass like an old mining prospector. Just blasting holes of ass through the frontier.

4. Michael Egnew - The Emo Tight End
Everyone remembers rookie tight end Michael Egnew getting chewed the fuck out by Dolphins tight ends coach, Dan Campbell, and offensive coordinator, Mike Sherman. It was a weekly thing with Egnew and what made it so depressing was Egnew's response: usually head hanging low and totally mopey. Well, with Charles Clay down will this be the week Egnew is finally activated and plays a down for the Miami Dolphins in 2012? CAN WE MAKE SAD EGNEW HAPPY EGNEW NOW?!?!

5. Let's Not Kid Ourselves, These Last 2 Games Are About Tannehill and Ireland
The Dolphins are not getting into the playoffs. In fact, with New England probably not resting their starters for the season finale just because that's the kind of asshole thing they do, you can bet the Dolphins will have ANOTHER losing season. So, really, these last two games are about Ryan Tannehill showing some consistency and promise to close out the season and the Dolphins either playing in a way that inspires confidence in Ireland or leads to whispers of his dismissal (finger crossed!) as they finish off the season with ANOTHER 6-10 or 7-9 season. I'm not sure even 8-8 shows much improvement but maybe it will for Steve Ross - that star-gazing, rapscallion of a gargoyle face with an Ireland-sized glimmer in his eye.

The Miami Dolphins take on the Buffalo BEELZ this Sunday at Sun Life. Kickoff is at 1 p.m.

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