Four(01K) Loko: A New Times Guide to Gaming the Recession

​These days, Miami is a steaming pile of ultra-high unemployment, corruption, and bullsh*t promises to "change the system" or "get rid of politics as usual."

Yet, amid this chaotic crap heap there are opportunities for turning a serious profit. But you've got to act quickly to corner the market and ride out what could be a long recession.

Here is the New Times guide to investing, Miami style.

5. Four Loko

As any amped-up UM student will tell you, Four Loko has come under attack for its krunktastic blend of caffeine, 12 percent alcohol, and pure, triple-distilled dose of freedom. Not content to tyrannically ensure that you're peanut butter doesn't contain salmonella, "big government" aka the Food and Drug Administration is now forcing Four Loko ditch the caffeine.

But where some see liberty slipping away, we smell opportunity. When we checked this morning, the corner botanica was still stocked full of Four Loko. So why not corner the market and buy up the batch before the drink loses its edge? We reckon we can sell caffeine-enriched Four Loko out of the trunk of our '92 Toyota Carolla for quite some time.

1. Chris Bosh Jerseys

The Bosh Man has not had the stellar early season that some had hoped. Instead, "The Big Three" has often ended up looking more like a brick-laying competition between LeBron and D-Wade. But Bosh has started to turn things around in recent games. With Heat-hating at a fever pitch and No. 1 jerseys at a nadir, it's about time to double-down on the lanky center. Besides, if his miserable season continues, you can always give the gear away to Miami's homeless. That's a tax write-off!