There Was Food In My Miami Herald This Morning

This morning, there was food in my Miami Herald. Real, actual food.

​A "Sweet and Salty Nut" granola bar, to be exact. Inside my newspaper, which was buried underneath a bush, half covered by wet dirt, right next to the poisonous rat traps outside my apartment.

To be fair, it's not like the granola bar was just hanging out. There were several layers of protective plastic wrapped around the thing. And I am very much in favor of free stuff.

It's just that I'm not in the habit of eating food that's thrown over my gate sometime in the middle of the night and left in the bushes for me to find in the morning.

Also, I live in South Beach, so there's a 93 percent chance that at least a couple people urinated on it and a 105 percent chance that the giant possum in my backyard gave it a lick or two.

In sum, Miami Herald editors: Don't put any more food in my newspaper. It's gross.

If you'd like to carry on with your Cracker Jack promotional strategy next week, I'd rather go back to the offensive DVDs.