Five Miami Heat Reality Shows That Need to Be Made

We here at Riptide like the sordid side of things. And while we're hoping that, come the end of the 2010-11 NBA season, Dwyane Wade, LeBron James, and Chris Bosh are lobbing a championship trophy to each other as they ride dolphins through Biscayne Bay, we're also hoping for a bit of off-the-court intrigue and scandal. That's just our nature.

In the spirit of our times -- when reality television is our master and overlord -- we've constructed a few program pitches around the upcoming season. Move over, Flavor Flav.

Bachelorette: Gloria James

The chosen uterus is on the rebound in a subtropical paradise. LeBron's mom, Gloria, will go horseback riding with Mike Miller, pick strawberries with Juwan Howard, and canoodle in a beach cabana with Joel Anthony. But when it comes time to select her new man, can she move on, or did she leave her heart in Cleveland?

P.S. If you have no idea what we're talking about, you need to read more Internet rumors.

The Apprentice: Erik Spoelstra

Everybody in the world knows Heat president Pat Riley is just waiting for coach Erik Spoelstra to screw up so that Riley can invite him into a boardroom in American Airlines Arena, stick his hand out all feyly, and announce, "You're fired." Riley is the Donald Trump of basketball -- complete with a hairstyle you haven't seen since the '90s.

Big Person, Little World: Zydrunas Ilgauskas

A spinoff of the TLC program that follows a family of little people, this show will have Zydrunas Ilgauskas driving a Smart car to the Metromover, eating sliders, and shopping at Baby Gap. Not exactly high-concept, but you're saying you wouldn't watch it?

Making da Entourage

Dwyane and LeBron are both subscribers to the dubious hire-your-childhood-friend-to-run-your-empire theory. Wade's BFF, Marcus Andrews, was the guy who hooked up his boss with the disastrous business partners who embroiled him in lawsuits, and LeBron's right-hand man, Maverick Carter, is believed to be behind the completely tone-deaf one-hour "Decision" special. Why do we get the feeling these guys have some precious egos?

We don't know who's in Bosh's entourage, but we bet they have feelings too. Let's smash these hangers-on into a grueling competition that will have them fetching cheesecake and groupies at 3 a.m., scrubbing Maybachs with toothbrushes, and telling Nike executives where they can shove their $100 million offer -- we're going with this Chinese upstart sneaker company. There will be BlackBerry beatdowns. And the winner will get the opportunity to drive all three players' careers into the ground.

American Gladiators: Cleveland vs. LeBron

This one is a little half-baked, we admit: We just have a vision of mallet-wielding Cleveland fans beating a foam-helmeted, spandexed LeBron during the Heat's much-hyped December trip to the city. The good news: It would be so bad for LeBron's image that we're pretty sure Maverick will be onboard.