Heat Fall to the Lakers as Masked Kobe Drops 33

Kobe Bryant and his broken face scored 33 points, as he and the Lakers took down the Miami Heat 93-83 yesterday, handing Miami their second consecutive loss.

It was the first meeting between L.A. and Miami since Dwyane Wade inadvertently broke Kobe's nose during a hard foul in the All Star game last weekend. And while Kobe went out of his way before the game to tell everyone he had no hard feelings over the freak play, and insisted that the injury had no bearing on how he'd play, ESPN was determined to have him murder Wade in cold blood in retaliation because THAT'S THE FRIGGIN NARRATIVE, DAMMIT!

LeBron James led the way for Miami, with 25 points, 12 rebounds, and seven assists, while D-Wade played like a sack of cat shit, going 7-for-17 from the floor for 16 points, and fouling out with five minutes remaining in the game. The Heat were also without Chris Bosh, who missed his third straight game after a death in the family.

And so playing crucial moments without Wade or Bosh, and having dudes like Juwan Howard playing extended minutes, the Heat suddenly became the Cleveland Cavaliers, forcing James to do all the heavy lifting and relying on Joel Anthony and Udonis Haslem's dead fish jump shot to help LeBron overcome the Lakers' big lead.

Yeah, it didn't happen.

The Lakers took full advantage of Bosh's absence, pounding the paint with Andrew Bynum and making Anthony, Haslem and Dexter Pittman beat them with their jumpers which is the most depressing sentence you'll ever read in your entire life. L.A.'s defense clamped down and clogged the middle. And with Wade playing like Bizarro Wade, James was left to fend for himself. He still had a monster game, but it wasn't enough.

And then, with just 1:05 left to play, James injured his left foot when he stepped out of bounds and landed on an old lady sitting courtside. James got up and hobbled around while the old lady was weirdly unharmed.

So the Heat's West Coast trip ended with two losses sans Bosh, Wade turning in two ugly performances against Utah and L.A., all the fault falling entirely and inexplicably on LeBron, Udonis' shot going from shit to explosive diarrhea, and LeBron almost getting killed by an old lady.

The good news in all of this is that the Heat were within a shot of winning, even with Wade playing like his Gatorade was replaced by donkey piss and even without a mourning Bosh.

So the next time you even think about saying anything derogatory about Chris Bosh, just remember these last two games without him. Also, remember that the alternative is Juwan Howard And His Amazing Flailing Old Man Arms.

Also, RIP Udonis Haslem's jumpshot.

The Heat host the New Jersey Nets on Tuesday at the American Airlines Arena. Tipoff is at 7:30 p.m.

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