I Just Want a Dolphins Win

As you’ve probably may have guessed from being a regular here, I’m no fun to be around during a Dolphins game. I yell, I kick, I throw shit. I’m even more aggressive when I’m at a game. A buddy of mine was able to score a couple of Club level tickets for this Sunday’s game against the Jets. He invited me to come along. He has no idea what he’s in for.

So, it’ll be me, a shit-load of alcohol, an 0-11 team and about 2,000 New Yorkers. It’s the perfect bouillabaisse of piss, vinegar and douche. Me and 2,000 shit heads who believe they’re entitled to bitch about living in Miami when, in actuality, they all moved down here because no one wants to live in the Earth’s Asshole. Sounds like a lovely way to spend a Sunday afternoon. Nothing but hairy chested dudes with gold chains sans deodorant yet lathered in Driven, coupled with women who all uncannily look and smell like the crack of a baboon’s ass. So, should be good times all around.

In either case, this is it, as far as I see it. This is our last best shot at getting a damn win and avoiding the worst season in the history of the NFL. The Dolphins are actually favored since the defense has been outstanding lately and the offense has been, um, well, uh... I don’t know why we’re favored. Las Vegas can be fucking stupid sometimes.

Here’s what you need to know: The Dolphins will once again be without Zach Thomas. They also may be without Vonnie Holliday. Jesse Chatman is still nursing a bad ankle, which means The Nigerian Nightmare or The Leprechaun could be taking the majority of the carries in the backfield. Meanwhile, the Jets are hurting some too. Jerricho Cotchery has a bad finger and the unfortunately named Laveranues Coles has a bad ankle. Both teams are trotting out inexperienced QBs and both teams feature splendid return men. So it's basically an NFL ratings wet dream. Two pieces of shit equal to, well, shit.

I don’t know why I choose to do this to myself. Why, instead of watching the game in the comfort of my home where I am free to express my rage without incurring the wrath of stadium security and where the booze is free and the bathroom reasonably fresh, I choose to watch this catastrophe of a football team live and in person with Vinnie from Da Bronx and his lady friend Armpits Marie breathing down my neck for four hours. Why? Because I’m an idiot. I’m a Miami Dolphins fan. And I’m a masochistic bastard. The end.

Prediction: None. Just fucking win. Please. Thanks. -- Chris Joseph

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