Four Things Cheaper Than Parking Your Truck in Coral Gables

Some communities debate over police levels, school funding and the mayor's race -- you know, real issues.

Coral Gables burdens itself with pickup trucks.

Starting August 8, the city will once again enforce a ban on parking a pickup truck on the street or in a driveway between 7 p.m. and 7 a.m. Somebody better start causing problems in the Gables, because administrators have gotten much too bored and are filling the time being idiots.

Officials reinstated the ban after the Florida Supreme Court declined to hear the appeal of pickup-truck crusader Lowell Kuvin, who started his fight after a $50 ticket in 2003.

While $50 sounds stupid enough, tickets will now cost as much as $500, according to the Miami Herald. That's no small parking ticket. Here are five things you can do for less than it costs to leave your Ford F150 in plain view in Coral Gables overnight:

1. Get high and roast an illegally slaughtered pig. An ounce of weed, enough to get all your friends higher than Manute Bol in a hot air balloon, costs around $350, according to the professionals at and not at all based on personal experience. And you can get a pig killed in a back alley for $130 bucks.

2. Spend two hours with a call girl, then take her to a gourmet dinner. Sasha, a "mouth dropping Spaniard" who advertises with the New Times, charges $150 an hour, and a six-course meal at Romeo's Cafe on Coral Way will set you back $90 a person. And that still leaves 20 bucks for some roses!

3. Skip high school. For $399, you can go to a Doral diploma mill and just buy a certificate and fake transcript. Money well spent, too -- Miami Dade College accepts "graduates" of the joint without reservation.

4. Drive as fast as you possibly can through a school zone. The fine is capped at $250, but doubles if you're in a "school zone or designated school crossing." So yes, it does cost the same amount to park your pickup truck in your own driveway as it does to drive it past an elementary school doing 100 mph.

So you might want to think twice before you go and park that truck of yours -- if Coral Gables has its way, you might as well just get high and kill a pig, solicit a prostitute, drop out of high school or blow back some kids in a crosswalk.

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