Surfside Election: Wait, I Lost?!

Today, I consider myself the luckiest failed commission candidate on the face of the earth.

After weathering a last-ditch smear campaign, I spent the rest of yesterday's Election Day in Surfside-- where I was running for commissioner in a very special election-- parading around town with my dog, drinking victory Zinfandel in a supporter's living room and, to curry favor with any lingering undecideds, waving a sign reading "Speed Trap Ahead, Vote Gus" a block ahead of a Surfside police officer's hideout.

I then had five happy hour gin and tonics and a fish sandwich with my Good Wife at the local Flanigan's before biking back to Town Hall at around 8 pm, where the election results were taped to the door.

That's about when I took the photo to the left. It is sadly as close as I'll ever get to governance in my beloved beachfront hamlet of salty air and litigious synagogues.

Michelle "I Have a Minivan" Kligman got 333 votes. I got 86. For those wonks keeping track, that's just about an 80 to 20 percent split.

This is where I'm supposed to make the "I demand a recount" vote. But about the only way I could overturn that kind of beatdown would be to legally change my name to Michelle Kligman and show up at Town Hall at 7 pm tonight in a dress.

My attorneys are exploring that option.

So what's next for me? I plan to grow an Al Gore Defeat Beard, get fatter, and start collecting speaker's fees. For $25-- payable in currency or shrimp cocktails-- I will inspire your rotary club. I also do a stirring kindergarten commencement speech, which involves me eating crayons.

I want to thank those 86 wise souls, and all the Surfsiders who helped my campaign and fed me brandy and wine during breaks in stumping. I want to thank Kligman for... wait, why would I want to thank her? I want to thank Publix for its people-mover, which turned out to be my campaign's greatest asset, and Rasool's for providing me with that magical suit which, as the Miami Herald reported, allowed me to "walk out of the ocean dry and fully dressed." I want to thank whoever made that attack ad for helping me secure a Phat Farm endorsement deal.

I still love you, Surfside. 4 Eva.

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.