The Jesus Defense Prevails! Sort Of

Nobody gives Calvin T. Godfrey a parking in a restricted zone ticket on Jesus's Birthday. Nodody.

I pledged to fight this affront to goodwill. It only took three months to get my day in court, but at 1:08 p.m. yesterday afternoon, I came armed only with a bible. Officer Samaria Robinson, of the Miami Beach police department, had slapped me, unceremoniously, with a fat ticket without so much as a happy holidays. And I've been spoiling to defend myself all winter.

I planned to open with something light for the arraignment. Like this little ditty from Ezekiel 20:3: "Son of man," I would cry, extending a firm hand towards the judge. "Speak unto the elders of Israel, and say unto them, 'Thus saith the LORD GOD, I will not be inquired of by you.' Wilt thou judge them, son of man, wilt thou judge them?"

Then I would get into some real thumpin'. Unfortunately for Officer Robinson, I found her name is all over the book of Hosea 7:15. "Thy calf," I would holler, "O Samaria, hath cast thee off.... The calf of Samaria shall be broken in pieces, for they have sown in the wind and they shall reap the whirlwind."

I figure the calf thing would throw her off sufficiently before I got some time to really lay the guilt trip on. The whole Book of Matthew: Judge not lest ye be judged. "Why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?"

I had worked out a dance routine for the end. And, as I noticed only one bailiff in traffic court, I planned to devolve into tongues before being hauled off for contempt. If this bit wouldn't get me into heaven, I don't know what would.

Sadly, however, Robinson never showed up. I was denied the pleasure of my own defense. Perhaps God smote her with a mote to the eye on her way to the court house. Or her calf broke down along the way. --Calvin Godfrey