International News

Castro Death Meter: Fidel is 88% Dead, 79% Insane

What is up with El Comandante these days? Have Fidel Castro's handlers been slipping amphetamines into his banana pudding?

Take a look at the rampage he's been on in the last month or so:

Not surprisingly, our switchboard has been lighting up like crazy with calls from international reporters and diplomats demanding Riptide's take on Fidel's current level of death. Because determining just how dead the decaying corpse of Cuba's dictator is at any moment is this publication's specialty.

We packed together video and photo evidence of Fidel's Wacky Summer! and FedExed it to our high-priced, lab-coated experts, who are currently in their mountainside lab in Los Alamos.

The good news is El Jefe Supremo is getting deader. The bad news is he's getting crazier.

How Dead is He?: 88 percent.

How Dead is That?: As evidenced by the bodybuilders holding up his elbows and keeping his head from lolling, Weekend at Bernies style, Fidel Castro is deceased. We're talking Alexander Hamilton after a jaunt in the woods with Aaron Burr dead. Jim Morrison in a Paris hotel tub dead. Eminem's career dead. Kaput. Belly up. Kicked the bucket. Floating goldfish status.

But you know how people's hair and fingernails keep growing even after rigor mortis sets in? Well, Fidel's crazy keeps growing. His body is now composed of 79% pure insanity. Which could spell trouble.

How fearful should the American oligarchy be? Barfing up its tater tots in sheer terror. Nobody likes an unpredictable enemy. What will he do next? Jet ski to the Port of Miami and back wearing nothing but a olive green mink coat? Challenge Arnold Schwarzenneger to an arm wrestling match for control of California? Solve Pi, but not tell anyone? Nobody knows, and that's the really scary part.